


Don't Tell Cougar

by Amethystina



Category: The Losers (2010)
Genre: Also a case of kidnapping in the bonus chapter, Canon-Typical Violence, Love Letters, M/M, Pining, Seriously the amount of pining in this one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-21
Updated: 2014-05-06
Packaged: 2018-01-13 06:52:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 40,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1216732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amethystina/pseuds/Amethystina
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jensen's got love letters to Cougar in his bag but knows he'll never let anyone else see them. It's not that he <em>wants</em> to keep it a secret, he just knows that it might be best that way what with DADT, Cougar's Catholic values and the risk of getting a bullet between his eyes. Writing letters in secret is one of the few outlets Jensen has.</p><p>But it's really just a matter of time before the truth comes out...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Post-it

**Author's Note:**

> This is me stumbling into the fandom approximately three years too late, but I bring long fanfics and lots of fangirling so better late than never, yeah?
> 
> Ever since I watched the movie I wanted to write for The Losers but it wasn't until I found [this awesome prompt](http://fic-promptly.dreamwidth.org/217447.html?thread=9017703#cmt9017703) that I knew what to write. As always with me it took on a life of its own so now I have a five chaptered fanfic for your viewing pleasure.
> 
> [CarpeDentum](http://archiveofourown.org/users/CarpeDentum) is my tireless and ever faithful beta (and she loves The Losers just as much as I do) and I also want to thank the amazing [Jujitsuelf](http://archiveofourown.org/users/jujitsuelf), first of all for coming up with the prompt and second for the unbelievable support she gave as I, terrified and confused, took my first stumbling steps into a completely new fandom. Also a big thank you to [Lara Herondale](http://lara-herondale.tumblr.com/) for being awesome enough to help me with the Spanish!

 

* * *

 

The first letter wasn't even to Cougar. Well, it wasn't much of a letter either, if Jensen was to be honest, just a bright pink Post-it note with three simple words written on it.  
  
_Don't tell Cougar_.  
  
Short and precise. Down to the point. Clay would be proud.  
  
Jensen had written it on his computer first – a simple text document with only those three words – but for once it didn't feel right. It didn't have the necessary weight and firm physical presence that Jensen needed to make sure that he would actually follow the command.  
  
So he wrote it on a Post-it instead, letters neat and blocky, before folding it three times with the kind of perfectionism he would only ever devote to technological equipment under normal circumstances. He stared at the piece of paper in his palm, neon pink and deceptively innocent looking, its edges perfectly aligned thanks to his painstakingly exact folding. To imagine that such a small thing could feel so threatening.  
  
He taped it to the back of one of his dog tags, knowing that Clay would rip him a new one if he ever saw it. Not so sneakily wearing non standard issue glasses was one thing but a brightly colored Post-it on the back of his dog tag? Yeah, Clay would most likely let Roque use him for target practice for that one.  
  
Jensen looped the chain back around his neck and even if he knew that the added weight of the Post-it note wasn't more than 0.015 ounces – there were YouTube videos about _everything_ nowadays – he still felt his shoulders hunch. The dog tags came to rest at the very centre of his chest and he could almost imagine those three words seeping through skin, muscle and bone to press against his heart, silencing whatever it was trying to say.  
  
_Don't tell Cougar_.  
  
It might as well have been iron shackles as far as Jensen was concerned.  
  
Good. 

  


It wasn't like Jensen _wanted_ to be all closeted and depressed. Moping really wasn't his style. But even a free spirited soul like himself knew to fear DADT and the fact that there was no kind of head start that would save him if Cougar decided to go biblical on his ass. Getting out of range of Cougar's scope was practically impossible or at the very least more or less unheard of. So it seemed wiser to just _not tell_.

Jensen hadn't planned it – not even he was stupid enough to plan something like this – but it was just very difficult not to like Cougar. Sure, Jensen had been understandably terrified of him at the beginning but since his brain wasn't wired properly, his fear centre having been swapped out for curiosity and sponge cake and his self-preservation having vacated the premises to the general vicinity of fuck all, he hadn't exactly stayed away because of something that arbitrary. In the end it wasn't even the badass sniper routine that unsettled him, it was the _silence_.

So Jensen did what any guy would do and filled it. The curious thing being that Cougar never once told him to shut up. He gave him funny looks, sure, and seemed to ignore him more often than not, but he didn't tell him to piss off, or threatened him with disembowelment like Roque so often did when Jensen's prattle was getting a bit too much. Not even Pooch had the amount of patience required to be in Jensen's presence for longer periods at a time, and he was the only sane, considerate one among them.

To everyone's surprise Cougar – quiet, efficient and deadly Cougar – was the one who was best equipped to stoically endure whatever Jensen threw at him. Which was actually a pretty good summary of their entire relationship right there, now that Jensen thought about it.

Jensen honestly didn't know why Cougar let him stick around, because Cougar was so much smarter than that. But perhaps Jensen had grown on him during those weeks where Jensen followed Cougar around like a very large, somewhat stupid, blond puppy. It seemed like Jensen was just randomly talking about everything between the ratio of biscuit to cream filling in Oreos to the probability of a space invasion happening before 21.12.2012, but in reality it was his way of getting a feel for the guy. You learn a lot about someone if you submit them to prolonged exposure to nearly constant babble and virtually no acknowledgement of personal space.

Roque cracked in less than a day, rather explosively, he might add, showing Jensen that he would be the short tempered one he had to be a little bit careful around, but good natured teasing should be fine. Clay suffered through three days before he ordered Jensen to stop, but exasperatedly rather than angrily, which taught Jensen that Clay had patience but was perhaps a bit slow on the uptake on how to get rid of a problem. Good thing they had Roque to back him up on tactical decisions.

Pooch survived a full week before he asked Jensen to stop, but the politeness was somewhat diminished by the longing looks Pooch kept giving the wrench on the workbench, as if it he would rather use that to shut Jensen up. Pooch was the good guy, no doubt about it, with impulse control and a sense of morals and social awareness that Jensen knew would be useful if he ever needed advice.

And then there was Cougar. Jensen predicted that he would last the longest, either because of his sniper training to withstanding pretty much anything without flinching or the mere fact that he was a very controlled person. Cougar would be tough to crack.

Jensen wasn't surprised when Cougar managed the first week with nothing more than a couple of dubiously raised eyebrows and a scoff here and there. But then a week bled into two, quickly followed by a third and Jensen wasn't sure whether to be impressed or concerned. Not even Cougar should have been able to withstand Jensen's special brand of hazing for three full weeks.

Then, at the very end of the fourth week, Cougar looked up in the middle of one of Jensen's by then completely useless rants – he wasn't out of material per se, but he was running a bit low on originality and inventive word use – and smiled. It wasn't even a big smile. Just a small, knowing quirk of Cougar's lips from underneath the brim of his hat, and when they gazes locked Jensen _finally_ understood what was going on.

They were playing the same game.

Jensen fell abruptly silent, blinking twice in surprise, and Cougar's smile turned into a pleased smirk. The calculating bastard had seen right through Jensen's little social experiment and proceeded to use it against him, taking the time they had spent together to get to know Jensen's ticks and quirks.

What a delightfully sneaky person.

Jensen grinned, wide and wicked, before offering an acknowledging nod, not afraid to admit when he had been caught or to show that he knew what Cougar was up to. He received a confirming tip of Cougar's hat in return, sealing their mutual surrender. And that was that. They never spoke of it again and never told exactly what they had found out about each other during those four weeks.

But it was then, right there, that Jensen knew – Cougar was a keeper.

Their somewhat unconventional start soon gave way for an unlikely friendship that Jensen treasured more than he had been prepared for. And that worked fine for a long, long time. Whatever this thing that Jensen had for Cougar was he knew that it had nothing to do with love at first sight – probably because Jensen didn't have the attention span to notice anything at first sight – but something that had been drilled into him after spending so much time in Cougar's presence. Continued exposure to a positive stimulus, if you will.

Jensen really liked spending time with Cougar. It made him calmer, for one, to have a firm point to focus his attention on even if he was often doing something else at the same time, like talking, programming or just making a general nuisance of himself. Cougar always remained a constant in his peripheral vision. It also made him feel safer, because if you could trust one person to have your back it was Cougar, who had quite literally built an entire career on keeping a watchful eye on whichever proceedings he was currently overseeing. During their downtime between missions that was usually Jensen.

Sometimes Jensen wondered whether it was all Clay's doing. If he had told Cougar to look after Jensen in particular – because Cougar was way better than Jensen at following orders – but he figured that Clay wouldn't wish that upon anyone, and least of all one of the best snipers they would ever get their hands on. No, Clay wouldn't risk good men so it had to be Cougar's own initiative.

Which was awfully flattering. Then again, Jensen was pretty darn adorable, which might have something to do with it as well.

And perhaps Jensen couldn't be blamed for getting more and more attached to the one person who seemed to be immune to his nonsense. Cougar was just so easy to be around and he put no demands on Jensen or the quality of their mostly one sided conversations. Jensen relaxed around Cougar. He found Zen around Cougar. And little by little he also found himself weirdly attracted whenever around Cougar.

Not that Jensen had anything against the guy bit or the Cougar bit – he was all equal opportunity and love comes in all shapes and sizes – but the combination of the guy, Cougar and Army bit was troubling. ' _Seriously not sure if anyone even have to ask_ '-troubling.

And thus the Post-it note.

Because while Jensen knew that Cougar would lie down on barbed wire for him in a combat situation and probably drop everything to help him outside of missions he had no fucking clue what Cougar felt. Jensen just couldn't get a read on him.

Sure, he spoke fluent Cougar – with the hat tilts and eyebrows and the subtle twitches and tells – but that was for everyday conversations. He could _talk_ to Cougar but he couldn't always understand him. And it wasn't exactly easy to broach the subject and ask your bestest friend in the whole world if he might _like_ -like you when you were a Special Ops tech specialist and not, say, Jensen's niece. She could totally do it and probably be more successful too.

Maybe he should have her do it for him?

But that still left the issue of Cougar possibly killing him, because there was literally no one who didn't know that Cougar was a ladies' man. It was hard to miss, really, considering the effortless success he had with women, and as far as Jensen could tell Cougar was completely content with that. Because, honestly, who wouldn't be? Cougar could have anyone he wanted and usually got it, even if it meant stealing the one girl in whichever bar they were in that had shown even remote interest in Jensen. It wasn't like Jensen ever stood a chance when pitted against Cougar.

Heck, even Jensen would pick Cougar over himself and no one loved Jensen more than Jensen.

And while Cougar was definitely not shy when it came to spreading the love around Jensen knew that he had never, ever seen Cougar interested in a man. And Jensen was distinctly male. The whole devout Catholic, Sacred Heart tattoo on his chest and macho Army man didn't exactly raise Jensen's odds of becoming the Kirk to Cougar's Spock, since all those three often included a somewhat conservative view on sexual orientations.

Thus, logic concluded, Cougar wasn't likely to be interested in Jensen and if he ever found out about Jensen's inclinations he might even get a little bit violent. The situation was clearly less than ideal.

So Jensen made the executive decision to never, under any circumstances, tell Cougar.

And that probably wasn't such a big deal to some people but to Jensen it was pure torture. Not only because he liked to talk and to point out that he couldn't mention something usually meant that it would be the first thing he said, but also because he spent so much time with Cougar. But no matter how difficult it would be to hold his tongue avoiding Cougar would be far worse. Jensen wasn't going to jeopardize their friendship just because he had a bit of a crush on his decidedly straight best friend.

He would just have to suck it up.

Which lead back to the Post-it note.

It might seem like a silly solution but it helped to have it spelled out, in words, pushing against his skin pretty much all hours of the day. Jensen needed the reminder – the shackles – to keep himself from ruining a perfectly functioning relationship for something that was barely even worth it. Not that Cougar wasn't worth it, oh no, Cougar was worth more than Jensen could ever articulate and that was pretty amazing in its own right, but he knew that nothing would come out of it except a dishonorable discharge, a lot of awkwardness and possibly a bullet hole between his eyes.

Contrary to popular belief Jensen wasn't that dumb.

It worked for about a month. By that point it didn't matter how good he had gotten at talking about everything but what he actually wanted to say, because Cougar was still there, being all Cougar-y and perfect, and Jensen was stupidly in love and pathetically tuned in to everything Cougar did.

It would have been so much easier if Cougar had actually been stern and grumpy – which was a common misconception concerning their sniper – but the truth was that Cougar wasn't stiff at all. He was guarded and watchful, yes, and definitely on the quiet side, but that wasn't the same thing as being frigid. Cougar was actually one of the most emotional people Jensen knew, in the sense that when Cougar felt something he did it very, very strongly. The question was just whether he decided to show it or not.

Cougar, in essence, was an intense person, with so much competence, efficiency and badass squeezed into one gorgeous, neat little package that it was a sight to behold whenever he allowed the rest of the world to see glimpses of it.

Like his smiles. Cougar smiled like he meant it, from the bottom of his heart and the depths of his eternal soul, and whenever he did speak it carried enough weight that people listened, no matter if it was just one word or five. Jensen was quite impressed by that.

So it was also quite difficult to just ignore Cougar, especially with Jensen's slight attention deficit. Cougar could be silently cleaning his guns or doing that thing where he just sat there, with his hat pulled down over his face, possibly asleep or possibly just faking it to freak everybody out – it was really hard to tell with Cougar – and Jensen would still have to force himself not to stare.

It didn't help to press the dog tags against his chest, until Jensen knew that he'd have indentations lingering for hours, and it was getting harder and harder to smile without it becoming fake enough that Cougar would notice. Because Jensen knew that Cougar would, since he was sharp, attentive and actually rather concerned about Jensen's well-being. Which just made it all the more difficult to _not tell_.

It was chance, really, that even got Jensen started on the letters.

They were at the team's shared house on base, Jensen trying to distract himself with some routine havoc wrecking in cyberspace while Pooch and Cougar were playing cards. Why on earth Pooch was stupid enough to play cards with Cougar, well, Jensen figured that they were all bored and a little reckless after having been without a mission for two weeks and couldn't get the okay to go on leave. Pooch took it particularly hard since he would undoubtedly rather have spent his time with Jolene, being all mushy and romantic.

Now, it wasn't like Jensen had anything against Pooch and Cougar playing cards. What frustrated him was the fact that it was very difficult to focus on his laptop when he kept spending half of his time deciphering and cataloguing the expressions on Cougar's face for his internal database. And while it was good for future reference to know if Cougar had any tells when he cheated – because he was obviously ripping Pooch off _somehow_ – Jensen had other things to do with his time. Hack into government databases. Improve the comm unit software. Surf for Internet memes. Suppress embarrassing love declarations.

It was when Cougar looked up, just a brief glance, as if he had been aware of Jensen's scrutiny all along and knew what he was after – but Cougar had no idea, not this time – that Jensen felt his chest clench. Cougar tipped his head, just a tiny fraction, and Jensen knew exactly what that cocky little nod was about.

_You'll never figure it out._

Cougar was probably right. Jensen was never going to figure out how on earth Cougar cheated, but that wasn't what pissed Jensen off to the point of scowling. He grabbed the pen he had been twirling between his fingers, flipped the first piece of paper he could find within arm's reach – his latest, much overdue mission report that he had finally completed – and scrawled hastily, _angrily_ , on the back of it.

_I hate that I know every single one of your expressions by heart_.

Jensen exhaled, feeling something in him shift and ease as he stared down at the words, the knot in his chest becoming less suffocating somehow.

Well, that was cathartic.

He placed the tip of the pen against the paper, completely ignoring Cougar or Pooch, and let his hand move on its own accord.

_I wish I could tell you but I'm afraid that you'd hate me_.

Jensen paused. It hurt. The fact that it was even a concern of his hurt, but it still felt better having said it, even if it was just on a piece of paper that Cougar would never see.

Jensen tilted his head to the side. He obviously couldn't talk but that didn't mean that he couldn't find alternative methods to vent. He was nearing his limit and he needed some kind of relief from the thoughts and feelings churning inside of him. And it wasn't like anyone would ever suspect him of writing anything of actual importance on a real, physical piece of paper since they all knew that he favored computers.

This was quite brilliant.

Jensen grinned before glancing up, noticing that Cougar was apparently staring at him with a slight furrow between his brows. He was worried. Jensen waved his hand, wordlessly telling Cougar that it was all good, or at least would be from now on. Jensen had found an outlet.

Cougar's eyes narrowed – a clear warning for Jensen not to lie – but Jensen's grin only widened before he winked and blew Cougar a kiss. There was a fine line between acting like nothing was wrong and showing too much, and this was teetering on the edge until the moment Cougar scoffed in amusement, clearly taking it as the joke Jensen pretended that it was.

"Alright, ladies, if you two are done flirting the Pooch would like Cougar to play his next card. If that's alright with you?" Pooch eyed them, one after the other, and Jensen raised his hands in surrender.

Cougar still waited an extra couple of beats, probably just to piss Pooch off, and gave Jensen that pleased, sly smirk of his. Jensen felt a helpless flutter in his stomach.

Yeah, Jensen was _definitely_ in need of an outlet.

That very same night he wrote his first letter to Cougar.

  


_I honestly don't know where to start. This has been gathering up inside me for so long that it has sort of taken on a life of its own, you know? And there's so much I want to say but it's impossible to really pinpoint where it all began. Only that isn't quite true, is it?_

_It began with you. A part of me kinda believes that it both began and will end with you._

_Always you, Cougar._

_It's almost unfair how awesome you are. How considerate you can be while still maintaining that aloof, badass image of yours. I honestly don't understand how you do it. There's no one like you._

_I wish I could say that it's your fault but you never asked for this. You shouldn't have to shoulder the responsibility of my shortcomings. Not that I have anything against the whole dude thing, not at all, but I know that you might. I know that my feelings for you are intrusive and probably something you'd rather not know about._

_And I don't blame you._

_I feel guilty about it. So incredibly guilty, because I'm messing things up. Some days I'm so close to cracking that I think that you might actually catch glimpses of it. I try to cover it up, I try to hide it and I try to ignore it, but sometimes it's just so hard. Because you're always there. And you're always so nice._

_On my worst days I wish that you weren't._

_Those are the times that I find myself praying for a reason to hate you, but I know that you would never give me one. You're so much better than that and I love it as much as it frustrates me. It's cliché but it would be so much easier if I could just hate you. But I can't. I can't hate one of the few people who puts up with me and never make me feel bad about how I talk, act and all the other crazy, annoying shit I do. I can't hate the person who does everything in his power to keep me alive, even when he doesn't have to, even when it just makes it harder for him. I just can't._

_But I'm not sure if I can do this either. Being in love with someone is supposed to be nice. It's not supposed to feel this way. It's not supposed to be mixed up with fear, guilt and anxiety to the point that I have nightmares about it. I hate the fact that I can't tell you and I hate that it makes me feel like an asshole for loving you in the first place, because I'm too scared to tell you. I'm too scared of being rejected. I'm a fucking coward._

_I didn't ask for this, alright? I actually fought against it when I started suspecting what was going on but it didn't make any difference in the long run, since it was obviously already too late. I was already neck deep. I fought it, Cougar; you have to believe me on that. I've tried not to feel this way because I know how uncomfortable it would make you. I've tried to deny it, ignore it and crush it but it just won't stop._

_Fuck. I just wish it would stop._

_Because the last thing I want is to screw things up between us, you must know that. I treasure our friendship a lot more than I can say and it's not worth ruining over something like this. I just wish that if you ever find out about this – God forbid – you'll be able to forgive me. Or at least won't hate me. I can settle for that._

_Just don't hate me, Cougar. I'd rather let you shoot me than have you hate me._

_And I guess that's why I won't ever tell you – I can't be sure how you'll react. I will never, ever tell._

_I won't say some shit about it being better this way, even if it is, because this should never have happened in the first place. I fucked up, Cougs, I fucked up real bad this time._

_And so here we are. I'm trying my best to keep this from getting any more complicated than it already is, but bear with me. It's a work in progress. And writing helps, so I think I'll do it again. It feels nice to have somewhere to put all the words, you know? That way I might keep them from spilling out. I really can't let them spill out._

_I wish I could hate you. I wish I could make it stop. I wish I could, even for a second, believe that you won't hate me for feeling this way. But I can't. I'm such a fucking mess._

_Either way, I love you. As stupid as it might be, I love you, Cougs._

_And I can never let you know. I can never tell._

_Fuck._

  


Jensen saw the moment Pooch noticed the bright pink Post-it taped to the back of Jensen's dog tags, but instead of asking he seemed to take a moment to consider what kind of revelations that could ultimately lead to before shaking his head and taking a step back with raised hands. As if to say that he didn't want to get involved in whichever colorful fantasy Jensen was living now.

Pooch was definitely the sane one.

Granted that Pooch's wariness was probably founded in the fact that he was the one who had walked in on Jensen when he had been hacking in nothing but his boxers and a fluffy purple feather boa Jess had sent him for his birthday. Pooch was reportedly scarred for life. It had been one of those times when Pooch and Jensen had come to a mutual agreement to pretend that the entire thing had never even happened.

Not that Jensen was ashamed, oh no, but it seemed to reassure Pooch to think that Jensen had what could, optimistically, be mistaken for a sense of decency. Jensen was all about the team.

It actually surprised him that Pooch was the first to notice the Post-it since Jensen would have put his money on Cougar. Then again, he would in pretty much every single bet you could possibly imagine, so perhaps he wasn't the right person to ask after all. He was clearly partial.

And Jensen was absolutely certain that Cougar hadn't seen it before because when he finally did – about a week after Pooch had – he frowned and reached out to touch it. Jensen panicked, as if he expected some kind of cosmic disaster to occur if Cougar's fingers came in contact with those three words that Jensen was still struggling to obey. As if it would completely negate them, rendering him defenseless.

Cougar froze – actually froze – when Jensen's hand shot out, catching Cougar's wrist just in time. Cougar's fingers hovered an inch from the bright spot of pink, the dog tags having accidentally slipped out from the gap in Jensen's partly open shirt. They were in a noisy, crowded bar and the stifling air had made Jensen careless enough to pop open two more buttons than usual.

The others were luckily enough over at the bar and not the table the Losers had claimed for themselves, so the staring contest that followed was only between the two of them. Jensen forced his throat to work, trying desperately to find something to say that would explain what the fuck he was doing – why he squeezed tighter when he thought that Cougar might make a second grab for his dog tags.

This was not like Jensen. He knew that he was revealing too much. Jensen had never shied away from physical contact before, especially not from Cougar. It was one of the few things he allowed himself – indulged in, even – despite the complex stir of emotions it usually caused.

But he couldn't allow this.

He knew that Cougar was just curious and they had been relaxed and laughing just a couple of seconds ago, so it probably hadn't seemed strange to reach out and poke at Jensen's dog tags. But it still terrified Jensen. And no matter how hard he tried he couldn't come up with a good lie to cover up his obvious discomfort.

"Sorry," he said eventually, barely loud enough to be heard above the steady, flowing clamor coming from the people gathered in the bar. He let go of Cougar's wrist but made sure to push it back a little first, making it abundantly clear that it wasn't welcome. For possibly the first time ever.

Cougar didn't as much as flinch when he retreated, his expression a little stiff maybe, but not insulted. Cougar was respectful of boundaries, probably because he was so firm about his own. The look in his eyes still made Jensen's chest squirm with guilt.

"Sorry, I'm just a little jumpy, I guess. I didn't mean to-... well, shit happens, you know?" Jensen didn't make any sense, not even to his own ears, and his grin felt forced and painfully dishonest.

Cougar raised an eyebrow and pulled his beer bottle closer before shrugging.

"No touching the dog tags," Cougar replied easily, as if it was no big deal. Jensen almost opened his mouth to question it when Cougar flicked the brim of his hat, giving Jensen a calm, patient look.

Right.

Jensen felt the tension in his shoulders ease. He knew this one.

"No touching the hat." Jensen didn't quite smile but it wasn't far from it. "Seems fair enough."

Cougar nodded once, decisively, and that settled it.

Jensen wanted to laugh. How was it that even when Cougar had no idea what was going on he still managed to make Jensen feel better? How could he understand him when they were barely even talking in an actual, established language? That shouldn't even be possible. There should be some kind of limit to how awesome Cougar was, but Jensen clearly hadn't found it yet. He doubted he ever would.

He shoved his dog tags back inside his shirt, doing up one button just to be on the safe side, before slamming his palms onto the table, making the bottles and glasses rattle.

"Alright, my sneaky feline friend, I challenge you to a game of pool." Mostly to take their minds off of Jensen's obvious blunder, but it was a fun way to pass the time as well.

Cougar scoffed, giving Jensen an amused look. Jensen merely grinned and got to his feet, knowing that Cougar wouldn't be able to say no to the challenge. The guys would probably berate them for losing the table but Jensen was far more interested in having fun with Cougar than wait for Clay to get stabbed by the pretty redhead by the bar or Roque to pull Clay away before said stabbing commenced. It could go either way, really.

"Come on, kitten, or are you afraid that I'll kick your ass?" Jensen tossed over his shoulder as he headed for the pool tables, grinning wildly.

The look on Cougar's face was so worth it, despite the bottle cap he threw at the back of Jensen's head and the fact that it took a full week before the mark disappeared.

  


It was a little odd at first, writing letters to someone who more often than not was only a room away, sometimes even in the same room. It felt even stranger when Jensen knew that Cougar would never read them and that some of the things Jensen wrote would probably disgust him.

They weren't perverted – Jensen wasn't that stupid – but they were admittedly mushier and cuter than he wanted to admit. The first letter was a frustrated one, where he poured out his anger over having to keep everything quiet and how difficult it was when Cougar was so amazing. Jensen really wished that he could tell him, if nothing else because Cougar deserved to know.

The second letter was slightly less agitated but still mostly about how he had to bite his tongue to keep everything from gushing out – how he barely made it through the day without wanting to act on everything he was feeling. It felt good to finally confide in someone, even if it was just a blank piece of paper that Jensen ended up stuffing at the very bottom of his bag for safekeeping.

He didn't have the heart to actually destroy the letters once they were finished.

He was working on his third letter, in a barely-even-safe house in Colombia, when Pooch asked him what he was doing. It was the third month since he had started. Jensen had decided that while an outlet was good he still had to make sure not to overexploit it, so he limited himself to one letter a month. It also saved a couple of trees, he liked to think.

Jensen lied straight to Pooch's face, saying that it was a letter for his sister and niece, because little Beth needed to practice reading and writing and letters from her awesome, considerate uncle would be a nice incentive. Pooch bought it, as did Clay, while Roque probably didn't even care. Cougar raised an eyebrow but eventually seemed to shrug it off.

That was fine. That was _the point_. No one could know what Jensen wrote in those letters. Especially not Cougar, so it wasn't reasonable for Jensen to feel disappointed that Cougar didn't question it. He didn't want Cougar to know, but at the same time he kind of did. He wasn't even sure if he would be able to lie if Cougar was the one who asked him. But Cougar never did.

So Jensen kept writing.

  


He lost the Post-it somewhere in the Colombian jungle, after having been forced to wade across an admittedly narrow but still deceptively deep river. Dodging bullets while chest deep in muddy water was _not_ Jensen's idea of a good time. And not particularly easy either, if he was to be entirely frank.

He didn't even notice it at first, honestly a bit preoccupied by the fact that people were trying to use his head for target practice and Clay barking orders over the comms. It wasn't until Jensen and Pooch – who had located each other on the other side of the river, soaking and mildly pissed off – had found their way back to the others that Jensen became aware of it, and then only because _Cougar_ took notice. Because of course Cougar did.

At first Jensen couldn't figure out why Cougar was staring at his chest, until he looked down to find that his dog tags had somehow slipped out from the collar of his shirt, hanging out in the open. Jensen felt an indescribable jolt of panic when he saw that there was no bright, pink piece of paper taped to them anymore. He had tried his best to make it waterproof – he wasn't stupid – but deep down he knew that it had always only been a matter of time. It had probably fallen off when he and Pooch had been jogging through the jungle to reach the rendezvous point.

Jensen felt the loss like an anxious knot in his gut.

He had probably relied a little too much on that silly little Post-it note considering how lost he felt without it – as if he would suddenly forget about those three little words he had tried to engrain into his heart, skull and very soul. It was as if his safety net had suddenly disappeared, even if he knew what a stupid thought that was. The note didn't make much different except to motivate him.

Cougar was giving him this blank, wary look, as if he was trying to gauge Jensen's reaction, and that was all it took for Jensen to take a slow, deep breath and push the panic aside. He still had the letters. He still had the discipline.

The Post-it had been vital at the beginning – a reminder if he ever started doubting – but he had come far since then. He could manage without it. He could do this.

Meeting Cougar's gaze across the small clearing they were in helped, Clay and Roque arguing in the background about what exactly had made this particular mission go down the drain. Cougar didn't say anything - didn't even move – but Jensen knew that he was being carefully observed for even the slightest sign of weakness. Jensen couldn't let that happen.

_Don't tell Cougar_.

See? Jensen could totally do this without a piece of neon pink paper.

So he gave Cougar a crooked smile before averting his gaze, lifting his dog tags to drop them back inside his collar. It was impossible for Cougar to know during which mission Jensen had lost the Post-it, or if he had removed it voluntarily. Jensen took comfort in that. Either way it wasn't any of Cougar's business, which might have been why he didn't actually do anything besides stare.

Let it never be said that Cougar didn't know when to be discreet. Then again, Jensen doubted that anyone who actually knew Cougar would ever say that. Cougar was discretion personified.

Jensen should probably try to learn from him. He might very well end up losing everything if he didn't.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I also have a [Tumblr](http://amethystinawrites.tumblr.com/)!


	2. The Letters

 

* * *

 

Sometimes it was easy, the words flowing without effort, but at other times Jensen had to mull them over for days, even weeks, before he felt prepared to put it on paper. Some letters were long, others shorter, but they were always carefully planned. It became something of a ritual – a way of meditating almost – where he could focus his admittedly somewhat skittish attention on one single task for hours, writing up the words inside his head before actually picking up his pen.

More than once the team seemed worried on his behalf. It obviously freaked them out when he kept zoning out without the help of a computer, just staring blankly into space, motionless and silent. They probably thought that he was cracking, but he couldn't exactly admit that he was busy composing love letters inside his head, so he just let it be.

Well, at least until the sixth month, when they were back on base after a routine mission and Cougar sat down next to Jensen where he was sprawled on the porch steps leading up to their house. Jensen didn't think much of it, giving Cougar a cheeky little smile before taking another pull from his Mountain Dew. He didn't protest when Cougar reached out and snatched the bottle from him, but that was mostly due to surprise. He didn't know Cougar liked Mountain Dew.

He considered complaining about it but figured that watching Cougar's throat bob when he swallowed was all the compensation he needed. The tiny grimace Cougar did afterwards was just a bonus and Jensen felt pleased by his obvious knowledge of Cougar's likes and dislikes.

Cougar looked at him, eyes dark and thoughtful under the brim of his hat, before he bumped the bottle against Jensen's shoulder.

" _Háblame_."

Jensen blinked, eyes going a little wide. Cougar had never _asked_ him to talk before and it honestly took him a couple of seconds to figure out what might have brought it on.

"Oh. You mean the-" Jensen gestured vaguely towards his own face, chuckling nervously under his breath "-the... _thing_."

There was no use denying his recent habit of spacing out. If it had pushed Cougar far enough to offer Jensen a shoulder to cry on then the entire team must be nearing their limit, expecting Jensen to break down any minute. And that wasn't it at all. Jensen was fine – better than before even – but it was difficult to say that without also revealing the truth, which Jensen couldn't.

He couldn't tell.

So he smiled instead, earnest and calm.

"It's alright, Cougs."

Cougar pursed his lips, eyebrow quirking.

"Yes, really," Jensen assured. He shrugged. "I've just had a lot on my mind."

That made Cougar push his hat out of his eyes so that the stern, reproachful look he leveled Jensen with was as effective as physically possible. Jensen rolled his eyes before reclaiming his Mountain Dew. Cougar didn't like it anyway and surrendered it without a struggle, while Jensen did his best to ignore what it felt like to have their fingers brush.

"I'm not having a psychotic break, Cougar, stop looking at me like that." He bumped their shoulders together before taking a sip.

Cougar didn't seem convinced and Jensen sighed at his stubbornness, even if he couldn't blame him either. A lot of soldiers burned out psychologically long before they actually died in the field and Jensen often seemed frailer than he was. Probably his baby blues or something. But this was definitely not a subject Cougar should get stuck on, for both of their sakes.

"It's nothing. I promise." Jensen turned more fully towards Cougar, his right foot bumping against Cougar's left boot. "Seriously. Would this face lie to you?"

" _Sí_."

Cougar didn't even hesitate.

"That's hurtful. Really hurtful, Cougs." Jensen clutched his chest, which at least earned him a reluctant, crooked little smile. Jensen scratched his neck before raising his knees higher and bracing his elbows against them. "Just trust me on this one, okay? There's nothing to worry about."

Cougar didn't seem to like that either, his frown disapproving.

"Okay, I'll just stop doing it in front of you guys. Is that better?"

Obviously not, considering that Cougar actually went far enough to slap Jensen at the back of his head with his hat, hissing something low and probably insulting in Spanish that Jensen didn't quite catch.

"Ow! Jesus! Alright, alright! I yield!" Jensen held up his hands, one still clutching the bottle of Mountain Dew, while ducking low to avoid another blow. "But I'm not joking, alright? It's really no big deal. I know you're worried – all of you – and it's nice to know that you'd, you know, stop me before I decided to throw myself on a grenade or something-" really bad tangent considering the look on Cougar's face so Jensen hurried to continue "-but this really isn't what you think! I'm fine!"

Cougar's eyes narrowed but at least he put the hat back on his head instead of hitting Jensen with it again. Jensen took that as a positive sign.

"How about this? I promise to let you know if I actually start feeling down. I'll come straight to you and you'll let me cry on your shoulder. Deal?"

Cougar fixed him with an intense stare, as if trying to determine whether Jensen was lying. Which he honestly wasn't. While he trusted Pooch to give the best advice Jensen would undoubtedly go to Cougar for support, at least as long as it didn't involve something related to Jensen's super secret crush on him.

After a second or two Cougar seemed to accept Jensen's offer, nodding firmly. It was unconventional to say the least, since it wasn't exactly common practice to admit to that kind of weakness. They all had nightmares and bad days – it came with the gig – but they never talked about it, mostly because Jensen figured that they didn't see any point in sharing their misery with a bunch of equally miserable guys.

But if it took to promise Cougar the scoop on Jensen's mental health to make him back off then Jensen would comply.

Jensen grinned and tipped his bottle towards Cougar.

"You wanna toast to that?"

Cougar wrinkled his nose in disgust and Jensen couldn't help laughing, narrowly dodging Cougar's hand when he tried to slap him at the back of his head again. At least he didn't use the hat this time.

" _Idiota_."

"Well, yeah," Jensen admitted without shame, "but I'm so adorable that you like me anyway."

Cougar scoffed but didn't deny it, which Jensen felt very pleased about, beaming from ear to ear. His heart might be thumping away in his chest, eager for even the smallest sign of attention from Cougar, but Jensen's brain knew better than to misinterpret anything. Having Cougar's friendship was pretty fucking awesome in all the ways that mattered and he didn't need more than that.

And when Cougar gave him a smile – a little exasperated but also unmistakably fond – well, Jensen definitely knew what his next letter would be about.

  


_I love the way you smile, did you know that? It's not just the fact that you look gorgeous – because you do, you bastard you – but because you seem to enjoy it so much. Even when you're not smiling wide I can see it there in your eyes. You look happy._

_I'm very in love with your smile, Cougar. It makes me feel all kinds of embarrassing things I really shouldn't considering the fact that I'm not fourteen anymore. But I can't help it, because you look so darn happy._

_And when I'm the one who makes you smile? That's ten times better. It makes me feel as if I've accomplished something – like I'm the cause for your happiness. And I guess that I am, at least for a brief, fleeting moment. It makes me feel special, even if I know that I'm not._

_I've always liked the fact that even if you're quiet you're not trying to hide. You're the complete opposite of me, I guess, since I am so noisy because I have things I don't want people to see. But that's a subject for another time._

_I guess I just wanted to say that I'm glad that I can make you smile. I'm glad that you let me remain close enough to you that I can make you smile. I know it takes quite a bit to earn your trust and I feel humbled to know that I'm one of the few who has._

_Always keep smiling, Cougar._

_You have a beautiful smile._

  


Life carried on. They moved from one mission to the next, days turned into weeks and weeks moved on to months. Jensen kept writing, not quite like clockwork but close enough. He had gained quite a collection of letters by then, some thicker than others, and he always made sure to hide them well.

He stored them in his laptop case most of the time, since he figured that none of the guys were stupid enough to search through it, even on a mission when the quarters were infamously close. Jensen was as protective over his laptops as Cougar was of his hat and any transgression would be punished swiftly and without mercy. Usually in the shape of outrageous online credit card orders or embarrassing changes to certain personnel files. Jensen was still proud over that time Roque had spent over two weeks listed as a llama.

Sometimes, like when Jensen went on leave to visit Jess and Beth, he usually put Cougar's letters at the bottom of his duffel. He was always afraid of losing them – especially on missions – but he didn't dare to leave the neat little bundle on base either. He didn't want anyone to find them. He knew that someone probably would the day he ended up not coming home from a mission, but by that point it wouldn't exactly matter if Cougar saw them anyway. Jensen couldn't be threatened or held responsible if he was already dead.

Jensen never read them after having finished writing them, not wanting to second guess himself or the way he expressed his emotions. So after a letter was finished he folded it and placed it in an envelope that he sealed with uttermost care before writing the date in tiny script at the top right corner on the front.

His heart always felt lighter when he flicked through those perfect little envelopes, knowing that they contained the secrets he couldn't shoulder on his own. It felt kind of like locking them away for safekeeping. Jensen liked the thought of immortalizing his feelings, even if he knew that paper wasn't exactly indestructible.

Another good thing that came out of it was that Jensen actually started writing those letters to his sis and niece for real, because he now had a decent supply of stationary on hand at all times. It was difficult to say if Beth or Jensen was the most excited. Whenever he got a letter in the mail with her tell-tale squiggly letters on the front he practically invited the entire team to read it with him, and every single drawing she sent was put up on the fridge, even if some eventually had to relocate to the surrounding walls due to lack of space.

Not even Roque had the heart to rip them down, even if he vehemently refused to listen to Jensen reading Beth's letter aloud to anyone who might or might not want to hear it.

Life wasn't exactly blissful, but stable. They managed, working well as a team on and off work and Jensen was able to function in Cougar's presence, if only barely some days. The letters kept piling up but none of the others knew that they weren't all to Jess and Beth.

No one asked. No one knew. And Jensen didn't tell.

Then everything changed.

Their world went up in flames, along with twenty-five precious little lives that Jensen could barely begin to mourn, simply because he didn't know _how_. He hadn't been even remotely prepared for this when he joined the Army, caught completely off guard by the heavy, oppressing sense of loss, grief and guilt that swallowed him at the thought of all those children – so much like Beth – gone forever. Jensen could barely breathe around the knot in his chest.

It went beyond huddling in the darkest, deepest reaches of their closet with Jess when their parents argued, her arms wrapped around him while she sang to him, trying to block out the noise as best she could. It was worse than the bullying a dorky, sharp-witted genius with a horrible brain-to-mouth filter got submitted to in school. It was worse than their parents dying. It was worse than leaving Jess to join the Army. It was worse than not being there for Jess and Beth as much as he wanted to. It was worse than not telling Cougar.

On top of that Jensen lost what little stability he had. Jess and Beth. The Army. His _life_. Even Cougar, to a certain extent, because neither of them handled the Bolivia disaster particularly well.

The only saving grace was that Jensen had been able to cling to his laptop case, partly because he would probably die without a decent computer nearby and the fact that he had been wise enough to hide his letters in it. He still had the letters. Unlike his dog tags, left to burn in the fire. Granted that he had lost the Post-it note ages ago, but the dog tags themselves had been a reassurance, the weight familiar and associated with those three little words. Now he didn't even have that.

Everything was just so fucked up.

Realistically Jensen knew that it wasn't their fault. They had been set up and they hadn't known that the helicopter was a target. They thought that they were saving the children but ended up killing them. It wasn't their fault.

But it was difficult to remember that on some days. Clay certainly didn't seem to see the difference and Jensen couldn't blame him. Clay had it worse than the rest of them, who had only been following orders – _Clay's_ orders. Clay was the one who had made the decision and while it obviously wasn't his fault either it would have been no use trying to tell him that. He was spiraling downwards in an obsessive hunt for Max, but Jensen didn't know how to keep it from happening. Or if he should even try.

Roque became agitated and bitter, but that was how he handled pretty much everything that unsettled him. Jensen wasn't quite sure if Roque mourned the loss of the children or the loss of their own lives and honor the most, but he sure as hell wasn't discreet about it. Jensen was actually beginning to get a little scared of the resentment that seemed to fester and grow inside Roque the longer they were left stranded without some kind of solution in sight, but he refused to let it show.

Pooch clung to what little he had left, which admittedly wasn't much. Jolene was way out of reach – just like Jess and Beth was for Jensen – and it showed just how much of a burden it was for him, not knowing whether he would ever see her again, or his unborn child for that matter. At least Pooch channeled the worst of his frustration and energy into working, repairing cars and earning some money to keep them afloat. Jensen helped in whichever way he could, even if it was only to give Pooch news about how Jolene was doing, since he and his computers were the only ones that could reach that far.

Cougar was the trickiest simply because he was so much more adept at hiding what he was feeling, but Jensen made it a special mission of his to always keep an extra eye on him. It wasn't like Cougar actually needed it – he was fully capable of taking care of himself – but it gave Jensen something else to think about and it helped with his own grief.

It was no secret that Cougar mourned the children quite a bit. He was even more silent than usual and Jensen imagined that it was because Cougar had spoken so much with the kids and probably felt some sort of connection to them. So it was no surprise if he took it pretty hard when they died.

Cougar's silences were never alarming, even if they were somewhat unsettling. But Jensen handled that too, just like the handled the fact that Cougar wasn't exactly being subtle whenever he brought a girl to his room. He told himself that Cougar had all the right in the world to do that and it was none of Jensen's business.

But he couldn't help feeling betrayed and miserable those nights he startled awake from a particularly nasty nightmare, the smell of fire in his nostrils and the groaning creaks of twisting metal still echoing in his ears, and knew that he couldn't go to Cougar for support. He couldn't just walk in there and demand that shoulder Cougar had promised him, because Jensen wasn't strong enough – at least not in those moments – not to feel his heart clench at the thought of Cougar having a girl over. Jensen couldn't do that to himself. He'd break down completely.

So he tried to deal with it himself, as best he could.

He made sure to smile and act like normal when with the others. For once Cougar didn't seem to notice the cracks in Jensen's smiles or the way he'd fall silent and stutter more often than usual, even if they worked side by side in the doll factory. Jensen wasn't sure if he was getting better at hiding things or if Cougar was too distracted to pick up on Jensen's obvious distress.

Or perhaps Cougar just didn't care anymore.

Jensen tried not to let that theory gain hold but it was difficult to fight it whenever he found himself in his bed, panting, sweat soaked and shaking from fear, and with nothing else to turn to than his own battered pillow. Jensen reminded himself daily that Cougar had his own problems and that he should, for once, be allowed not having to deal with Jensen's as well. Jensen was a grown man and he could battle his own demons.

The problem was just that his imagination was a lot more vivid than he wanted it to be. His nightmares just kept getting worse.

More often than not Jensen's subconscious added the wailing, piercing screams of twenty-five terrified little children, even if there had been none during the actual explosion. And sometimes Jensen would see their small, innocent faces, just before they died. Or – even worse – _after_ they had died.

Jensen always woke with a scream at the very tip of his tongue those times, but he usually managed to swallow it down with a choked, pained sound. There was nothing else to do. No one else to turn to who had the time and strength to help him. He shouldn't bother Cougar with this.

So he stayed in his own room, pressing his palms against his eyes until it burned and sparks flew behind his eyelids, or shoving his face into his pillow until the lack of air made him lightheaded and loose. Once he bit into his own arm without thinking, regretting it the moment he tasted his own blood. It was stupid and reckless to go down that road and in his desperation he reached for the one thing he knew had helped him before.

He could barely hold the pen with how much his hand was shaking but it would have to do.

  


_I know it's not our fault. I know that we couldn't have known what would happen. But I still hear them scream, Cougs. Fuck, they just won't stop screaming._

_I wish I could talk to you. I wish I was brave enough to walk over to your room – can't be more than eleven steps from my bed to your door – but I can't. Partly because I don't want you to see me this way and partly because I don't want to find some hot babe in your bed. I haven't figured out if you let them stay the night or not because I just don't want to know._

_Is that your way of dealing with this? I mean, Clay has his vendetta, Roque booze and his anger, Pooch tinkers and clings to his wedding ring. I, well, I have Jess, Beth and the Petunias. And you. Focusing on you makes it easier, even if I can't do much._

_What do you have, Cougar? You were so quiet at first, even if that is getting a bit better now. But you're still distant and I rarely see you even if we work together. How fucked up is that?_

_I miss you, man._

_But I guess the girls help? I think they do so I try real hard not to hold it against you. I don't want to be angry at you for something like this. I have no right to be angry and I feel guilty for being jealous. It's just that I miss you, I guess. And I feel a little ignored when I know that I can't come to you._

_I'm not even sure if I would actually talk about what's bothering me, but I would like to have the option, you know? Or at least some company. But you're busy and I get that._

_Fuck, I'm whiny._

_It would just feel nice not being alone for one night. And I don't mean that in a perverted way, mind you, I'd just like to have someone else in the room. I really miss that. I miss having you in the corner of my eye all the time and I miss knowing that you have my back._

_I mean, you still do, I'm sure you still do. I tell myself that you do, but I just..._

_Fuck. I can't do this. I hear their screams, Cougar, and I see their tiny little faces getting swallowed by the fire and they just keep screaming. They won't stop. And I'd ask you to help me make them stop but I can't, because I don't dare to and you're busy and I just feel so fucking alone. I know I promised I'd come to you if I felt bad but I just can't, because I don't want to bother you and I'm pretty sure that you don't have time for it._

_So I'm sorry for breaking that promise._

_Do you ever feel this alone? You seem indestructible to me, even if I know that you aren't. I bet you would handle this better than I do. You probably are, aren't you?_

_Am I pulling you down? Is that why I barely see you anymore? Am I pushing you away? Is this my fault?_

_It is, isn't it?_

_I try to not to show anything when we're together and I try to make sure that you won't have to worry about me. I don't want to pressure you. I guess I manage because you don't seem to notice. I think it's the first time I've ever really tricked you, so why does it just make me feel worse?_

_I feel so confused. I miss you. Fuck, I miss you so much. I wish I could talk to you for real, but I'm too scared to try._

_Just, damnit, Cougs._

_Why does it have to be this way?_

_I miss you._

  


It was a blessing when Aisha showed up, even if Jensen wasn't entirely sure if they could trust her. At least she offered an alternative to their collective descent into misery and loathing, which Jensen knew would most likely end up with someone kissing their own gun sooner or later. Or Roque gutting Clay. Neither was a favorable option.

It felt good to have a purpose again, however suicidal the mission was. Jensen could see it on their faces – even Roque's – that some hope was better than none at all. It actually eased some of the strain on Jensen as well and the nightmares became more manageable when he worked himself so hard he practically fell into bed, the few times he actually did sleep.

Suddenly – without the distraction of a long line of gorgeous, willing women – Cougar seemed to notice Jensen again, and, consequentially, the fact that Jensen might be struggling harder than he let on. Even if he did a good job of smiling and being cheerful it didn't quite manage to be as effortless as it had been before.

At first Jensen took a sick, petty kind of satisfaction from nodding whenever Cougar asked him, wordlessly or verbally, if he was alright. Because he wasn't, not entirely, but he didn't feel like admitting that to Cougar. And Jensen knew that Cougar could see that he was lying. Cougar silently accepted the answer all the same, and whatever implications it left concerning the formerly so unshakable trust between them.

But it wasn't just the feeling of too little too late that made Jensen unwilling to admit to any kind of weakness. More than anything he didn't want Cougar to think that he was a burden. Jensen was still terrified of that. But he didn't know how to deal with it.

Jensen felt like a spoiled child, throwing a tantrum for not getting attention when he wanted. He knew that if Jess found out she would make that pained face of hers where she seemed to ask herself if Jensen would have been less damaged if they had had better parents or if she had taken it upon herself to get them away from it when she turned old enough. Jensen hated that look. Not because he didn't think that he was damaged – he knew that he was, to a certain degree – but because he hated to see Jess sad.

It was the thought of Jess' disappointment and the fact that Cougar deserved so much better that made Jensen get a grip. Passively aggressively being an ass to Cougar just because he had been more preoccupied with himself for a couple of months was beyond petty – it was downright disgusting. So Jensen made an effort to stop being such a whiny little brat and the more he relaxed the more he felt like himself. The smiles became honest, his jokes effortless – if still annoying – and the tightness in his chest eased.

The first time Cougar smiled back at him, however brief, was enough of a reward to make Jensen push that miserable, attention seeking part of himself as far away as possible. It would be back, he knew that, since it was probably a result of his childhood and the lack of affection from anyone but his sister, but they had more important things to focus on now.

They had lives to avenge and a sociopathic super villain to kill.

It made Jensen feel a little bit like a superhero.

  


Trying to flirt with Aisha was a monumentally bad idea – Jensen knew that even without Cougar's input – but a part of him couldn't help feeling masochistically fascinated by her. Or perhaps he was just desperate to see if he could find someone who could take his mind off of Cougar. Aisha would no doubt blow his mind – literally and figuratively – and Jensen theorized that he would need someone like that if he ever wanted to forget Cougar. Someone fierce, relentless and admittedly a little scary, who could turn his head around so completely that he saw only them and nothing else.

But it quickly became obvious that Aisha wasn't it. Jensen tried to tell himself that it wasn't because Cougar already had all that – that the spot was taken and Cougar had no intention of vacating it – and pretended that it was because Aisha was more interested in Clay.

The lie was so crappy not even he believed it.

  


Jensen didn't get much writing done after that. Not that he actually needed it when they were busy trying to stay alive while simultaneously outsmarting someone with a lot more resources and contacts than they had. He barely had time to think of anything besides the next step of their plan and what he needed to do to help them succeed.

It was a relief, in a way, since it made it easier to work with Cougar without things getting tense. Fact was that they seemed to be back to their usual routine, with Cougar indulging Jensen even when he didn't have to – like at Goliath. Cougar had no reason to play along with Jensen's little stunt, but he did anyway and Jensen could only imagine the pleased look that had to be on Cougar's face. The shots had been expertly delivered, so in tune with Jensen's movements that it actually made Jensen a little giddy. They were pretty awesome together.

But things weren't all sunshine and rainbows. While Jensen and Cougar was definitely over their little bump in the road there was a lot else that was starting to fall apart. Roque, to name one.

Jensen could admit that he had spoken up on Aisha's behalf simply because he didn't want to see her dead. It felt unnecessary to kill her when there might be information on the hard drive. And once they had gotten the algorithm from Goliath and found out that was true Jensen felt pretty good about having interrupted Aisha's execution.

Well, until she shot him, that is.

Jensen was not Clay and he did not appreciate that specific kind of volatile behavior. He was more into Cougar's subtle, protective badassery that Jensen got a firsthand demonstration of once the shooting stopped and Cougar immediately dove to his side instead of going after Aisha. So did Pooch and Jensen felt a little flattered by that. They were totally his best friends.

Then again, he might have been a little high on pain and the spike of adrenaline from getting shot.

Pooch seemed to relax once it became clear that Jensen was only shot in his arm, which still hurt a fucking bunch, which he made sure to convey through over-excessive groaning. Pooch tried to convince Jensen that he would live but it sure didn't feel like it. People had lied to him before.

Pooch soon left to join the others, the traitor, but Cougar stayed. Because Cougar was awesome and Jensen loved him so, so much.

He was almost thankful for the sharp bite of pain when Cougar tied something around his arm to stop the blood flow. Jensen wasn't really paying attention but welcomed anything that would stop him from blurting out the very dizzy, improvised love confession that was burning on his tongue.

"Cougar, be gentle!"

Cougar only tugged harder and Jensen seriously wondered if he would have to reevaluate their friendship because that was just mean. He moaned miserably to show his discomfort but choked on it when he saw the strained look on Cougar's face. His lips were pressed into a thin line and he was staring intently at Jensen's arm, even if the bullet wound couldn't be all that bad. Jensen felt a curl of concern.

"You think I'll make it?" he blurted out, clearly joking, desperately wanting Cougar to stop looking so tense. Jensen was just exaggerating because he figured that it would be worse if he was quiet. Silence usually meant that you were dead or dying.

Cougar paused, giving Jensen a long, even look. Jensen almost flinched back from the sharpness in his gaze, but he didn't want to dislodge Cougar's hands since they were still pressing against Jensen's wound, trying to stop the admittedly not-so-serious bleeding.

Then Cougar briefly closed his eyes before reaching out, his hand landing on the curve between Jensen's neck and shoulder, his thumb brushing against the underside of Jensen's jaw.

And, _wow_ , Jensen was so not prepared for that and had no idea how to respond, which meant that he stared dumbly and wide-eyed up at Cougar without moving a muscle. Cougar's hand was a warm weight against the side of his throat and Cougar had to be feeling Jensen's wildly beating pulse against his fingers. Jensen barely even dared to breathe. Was this really happening?

Cougar smiled, soft and a little weary, something unidentifiable lurking in his eyes. It seemed like fondness, although still not quite, but it made him look awfully gentle all the same.

What did that even mean?

Jensen had no idea and didn't have the time to ask because the others chose that moment to return. Jensen was very close to barking at them to go back into the bathroom so that he and Cougar could finish, but Cougar had already pulled away and with the help of Pooch dragged Jensen to his feet, whether he liked it or not. He would actually have preferred to stay on the floor since it didn't jostle his arm as much, but no one seemed to think that was a good idea.

Jensen tried to catch Cougar's gaze but he was blatantly avoiding it, angling his head so that all Jensen saw was the brim of his hat. It was a cheap and unfair trick and Jensen almost reached out to flick the hat off Cougar's head, until he realized that he had already been shot once tonight – twice would be pushing it.

But even as they hurriedly left the hotel Jensen couldn't forget that look in Cougar's eyes.

It had to mean something.

  


Jensen couldn't quite figure out if getting stitched up while sprawled on a pharmacy cash counter and biting a baby's chew toy could be considered as standard operating procedure, even for a Loser. The toilet paper pillow wasn't exactly helping matters.

Still, Jensen was happy to have the hole in his arm closed and the fact that Cougar was the one responsible for fixing him up had a calming effect on his melodramatics. Any and all whining would be met with stern silence, Jensen knew that, because Cougar was too focused on the task at hand to humor him.

Cougar still wouldn't meet Jensen's eyes and he was pretty sure that Cougar had deliberately chosen to stand at an angle where Jensen couldn't easily look at him. The bastard. He didn't speak either and while that wasn't unusual in itself it was a different kind of silence this time. Jensen almost started worrying that Cougar was angry with him somehow.

The news that Aisha knew about their families replaced Jensen's frustration concerning the Cougar situation with a bone deep fear for his sister and niece. If Aisha hurt Jess and Beth somehow Jensen wouldn't be held responsible for his actions, so he couldn't exactly say that he was against Pooch's suggestion to head homewards. It was definitely what they should do, even if Clay and Roque wanted to go to the port and finish their business with Max. It was suicide. Jensen had responsibilities and protecting his family should take priority.

But he wasn't stupid.

Jensen held his breath, knowing that there was one thing that could possibly tip the scale – only one thing that could make him stay. His heart clenched when he heard it.

"Three."

And that settled it. If Cougar was staying then so was Jensen.

He couldn't quite decide if he was angry or just indifferent, staring up at the ceiling, feeling the decision settle in his bones. He couldn't see the look on Cougar's face and made no attempt to correct that. Cougar probably didn't even know what he had just done.

"Hey, getting shot's great. I'm up for it again."

It was said with a tired sigh, worn and lacking of Jensen's usual cheer, falling flat in the otherwise quiet store. He wondered if Cougar understood that Jensen agreed only because he did – because Jensen wouldn't be able to forgive himself if anything happened to Cougar because he wasn't there. Not that Jensen held any illusions that Cougar needed looking after, but he couldn't let him do something like this alone. Jensen needed to be there.

Only Cougar could make him stay.

It was horrible that Pooch felt an obligation to do so as well, but on account of the entire team. Pooch was the one who deserved this the least, with Jolene and a baby on the way. But Jensen had no intention of arguing. It was Pooch's decision and Jensen would be lying if he said that it wasn't nice to know that neither of them would abandon the rest to crash and burn. They were loyal that way.

There was still a definite tension over the comms when they set the plan in motion. Jensen and Cougar were teamed up, which was familiar and secure enough to ease some of Jensen's nerves. He could feel the exact moment he came within Cougar's crosshairs, like a whisper at the back of his neck, sending a shiver down his spine. It wasn't fear – he knew that Cougar would never shoot him – but a promise of security.

Which was why Jensen didn't even look up when the guard spotted him while he was struggling with the barbed wire fence. He knew Cougar would take care of it.

Jensen tried to put everything out of his mind after that, focusing on doing his part. He couldn't help being a wiseass and cracking jokes, but he figured that it would be stranger if he didn't. It was his way of letting the others know that he was still up and about, even if they didn't respond.

And then, of course, everything got shot to shit.

At first Jensen dared to hope that he was the only one who had gotten captured, but it was brief and fleeting, snuffed out before it even gained hold. Joining up with similarly cuffed Pooch and Cougar made Jensen's heart sink. Finally – fucking _finally_ – Cougar looked him in the eye, but his expression was hard and cold, on account of what awaited them, and that offered very little comfort.

Jensen wasn't surprised to find that he would die from a shot at the back of his head, execution style. What surprised him was that he was on American soil. He always thought that he would die during some classified mission in a country he wasn't allowed to mention the name of.

It was a small consolation that Jess and Beth already thought that he was dead so he had no unfinished business there. Granted that he would have liked to see them again but at least they didn't have to lose him twice. Small mercies and all that.

Pooch getting shot was not fun. For a second Jensen thought that it was his chest, not legs, since it was difficult to see with Cougar in the way, but at the same time he knew that it didn't change anything. They were still going to die. Whether they shot Pooch in the legs first wasn't going to make much of a difference in the long run except the pain Pooch had to endure.

Cougar reacted explosively, for once less calm than Jensen. But that was the thing, wasn't it? Cougar wasn't unfeeling or heartless and shooting someone he cared about right in front of him was one of the few times when he wouldn't bother to hide how emotional he could get.

Jensen tried not to compare the worried, furious way Cougar handled Pooch getting shot as opposed to the stiff silence Jensen had gotten. Okay, he could admit that a shot in each leg was definitely more serious what with major blood vessels and all that, but Jensen was actually surprised by the difference. Cougar hadn't been nearly this upset when Jensen got hurt. He had seemed uncaring in comparison.

Which, in turn, hurt quite a bit.

It made Jensen's shoulders hunch, his gaze turning to stare at the asphalt in front of him. During a brief moment Jensen had considered blurting out what he had been hiding for so long – over a year, by his count – just to get it off his chest. If they were going to die Cougar wouldn't have time to shoot Jensen for being in love with him. But now it felt like a horribly bad idea. Cougar probably wanted his last seconds in life to be focused on something else than a teammate's unrequited love for him.

So the words slunk back down Jensen's throat, aching and burning, something twisting in his chest. He felt absolutely miserable, and not only because he was obviously going to die. He would just have to take it to his grave. Cougar wouldn't want to know. Jensen couldn't say it. There were only three words he needed to remember and stick to, and it sure as hell wasn't ' _I love you_ '. No, Jensen had practiced this. He knew what mattered.

_Don't tell Cougar_.

Good thing that wanting to kill someone for trying to touch Cougar's hat wasn't necessarily telling.

Jensen's heart stuttered to a stop when the guard pressed his gun to Cougar's head. It was silly really since they all knew this was coming, but Jensen had sort of hoped that they would die somewhat simultaneously, so that he wouldn't have to see Cougar's brain anywhere but where it was supposed to be. Jensen didn't want that to be the last thing he saw.

Going from 'oh shit we're going to die' to 'holy hell Aisha is one hot babe' was a bit of an adjustment, but Jensen managed fairly well if he dared say so himself. Pooch was mainly out of commission so it was up to Jensen and Cougar to deal with the surrounding guards after Aisha's well-timed interruption.

Jensen allowed his instincts and training to take over, but never so much that he wasn't aware of Cougar right there next to him. Their movements were surprisingly in synch.

Things became somewhat of a blur after that, as they raced to stop Max, Wade and Roque. Fuck. Jensen had no idea how to deal with that. Even if there had been signs that Roque was unhappy and agitated Jensen hadn't thought that it would come to a point where Roque sold them out. You didn't do that to your team, because they still were one, with or without the Army.

When all was said and done – bomb disarmed, Roque dead, Max escaped and the rest of them alive somehow – Jensen was exhausted. Well, at least he would be once the adrenaline wore off. Until then he was stroking the seats of the bright yellow stretch Hummer with a dorky grin, blabbering on about how awesome everything had been, how he wished he could have seen Cougar's shot and how they should all gang together and get Legless Pooch a pirate hat.

The only one who seemed to realize that Jensen was basically running on steam was Cougar, but Jensen wasn't going to acknowledge that or the tiredness in his bones. Talking was a way to relax for him, since it kept his mind occupied with a pleasant, numbing buzz. It also held the thoughts of Roque at bay. Not to mention the inevitable backlash from almost dying.

Until then Jensen was content to just appreciate the fact that he was alive. And if he was throwing extra glances towards Cougar – without even caring if he got caught – just to reassure himself that he was still there, well, so sue him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I sure hope you've watched the movie otherwise this isn't going to make much sense at all xD And yes, I do love to take existing scenes and angle them to my liking. It's a thing I do.
> 
> Writing Cougar when he talks is absolutely fascinating, by the way, since I'm basing this off the movie where you can count the number of lines he has and the longest one that isn't in Spanish consists of four words. So that's basically what I'm going for here, which is an excellent exercise in writing short but concise ways to communicate. I love it.
> 
> Thank you to my beta [CarpeDentum](http://archiveofourown.org/users/CarpeDentum), and if you want to find me I'll be over at my [Tumblr](http://amethystinawrites.tumblr.com/)!


	3. The Breaking Point

 

* * *

 

Jensen woke with a start, sucking in a sharp breath. He refused to move, lying stock-still and tense, clinging to his pillow. It was difficult to gain his bearings, the sound of a gunshot echoing in his ears, morbidly in tune with his furiously beating heart.

It was a dream. He knew that it was just a dream. But that didn't stop the fear or the roll of nausea.

Three days had passed since the showdown in LA and they were currently hiding in a safe house two states away that Aisha had for some godforsaken reason. After finding a doctor willing to stitch Pooch up without asking too many questions they had been lying as low as low could possibly get. Jensen didn't mind.

It almost surprised him that it took three days for the nightmares to appear, but then again, Jensen had only slept once during those three days, and then only because he quite literally crashed from exhaustion and was knocked out for a solid eleven hours. He had been too tired to dream then.

That had obviously changed.

He tried to calm his breathing, quietly repeating to himself where he was and why. When it felt like he would be able to move without freezing up he reached for his glasses. The first thing he searched for when he could see properly again was Cougar. The room was dark but the moon shed some light on the two simple beds that had been crammed into the small space.

Cougar's was empty.

Jensen tensed up, feeling his heart jolt in sudden panic. It had been a dream, right? Cougar hadn't gotten shot. Jensen was _sure_ Cougar hadn't gotten shot.

He sat up, arms trembling and blood rushing in his ears. It calmed somewhat when he gained enough brainpower to register that the other bed was unmade, the sheets in slight disarray – as if someone had actually been sleeping there at some point, even if they weren't there now.

Jensen threw his legs over the edge of his bed and reached out. The sheets were cold, meaning that Cougar must have left some time ago. Jensen didn't even hesitate before he got up, making his way towards the door to search the rest of the safe house.

It wasn't big, with just enough rooms that Pooch was the only one who could get his own, simply because he needed the rest more than the others did. The kitchen was small, the bathroom cramped – and left a lot to be desired as far as comfort went – but it was better than nothing. At least it was safe.

Jensen moved soundlessly through the house, not wanting to wake the others. He had forgotten to check the time but he assumed it was in the middle of the night or early morning. Either way it was best if the others remained asleep.

Jensen eventually found Cougar, perched on the back of the ratty couch in the living room, one bare foot on the armrest while gazing out through the window. He seemed miles away and Jensen made sure to drag his feet on his next couple of steps, just to make sure that Cougar heard him. Sneaking up on Cougar was never a good idea, even if it was certainly doable if you tried hard enough.

Cougar's spine stiffened, telling Jensen that Cougar had in fact _not_ heard him until then, which was proof enough that something heavy was weighting on his mind. Cougar was usually too attentive to let his guard down like that.

"Stargazing, Cougs?" Jensen kept his voice low, barely even stirring the almost oppressive silence that lingered over the house.

Cougar shook his head after a second and Jensen was struck by a sudden, aching fondness. Cougar had apparently not bothered with a shirt to match his jeans but he still had the hat, tipped low over his eyes. Jensen dared to walk closer but remained an arm's length away, simply to keep himself from touching Cougar's bare shoulder. His skin looked so soft in the moonlight.

"Then what? You should get some sleep."

Cougar scoffed, as if to point out that Jensen was awake was well. Jensen opened his mouth, knowing full well that Cougar's way of talking usually left Jensen to do the actual talking, but snapped it shut again when Cougar spoke up.

"Can't."

Jensen swallowed, shivering slightly, only to realize that he was in nothing but his boxers. Great planning there. Couldn't he at least have done like Cougar and snatched a pair of pants?

"Why not?" Jensen couldn't help that he sounded hesitant, almost cautious, because Cougar wasn't exactly keen on sharing things with other people – not even Jensen.

Cougar seemed to glance towards him without actually moving, before he slowly shook his head. Jensen wasn't quite sure whether to take it as a dismissal or a simple no. It was trickier to read Cougar's silences when Jensen couldn't see his face and Cougar insisted on remaining motionless. Then again, that too spoke its clear language. Cougar was tense, his shoulders more hunched than usual, so something was clearly bothering him.

Jensen only hoped it wasn't his presence that caused it.

"Well, I'm having nightmares," he found himself blurting out.

Cougar seemed to freeze before looking up fully this time, pushing his hat back enough that their gazes could actually meet. Jensen smiled ruefully.

"And I wouldn't mind some company to take my mind off things, if that's okay with you?" Jensen wasn't going to ask for Cougar's shoulder – that would be far too tempting for Jensen's pitiful excuse for self-control – but having someone else in the room might be soothing enough. Especially since it was Cougar.

Besides, Jensen wasn't stupid. While the odds of Cougar wanting to discuss his problems was practically non-existent it didn't mean that he too wouldn't benefit from some company. Jensen was good at distracting people. Cougar might not want to admit to any kind of weakness but Jensen could still help fix it.

He waited patiently for Cougar's confirming nod before he took a seat on the couch. Cougar automatically turned around, moving to sit on the armrest with his feet on the seat cushion, facing Jensen. That was actually a rather nice compliment since it meant that Cougar intended to pay attention and not just let Jensen talk to himself.

Jensen grinned and patted Cougar's foot. That was safe, right? Feet weren't particularly sexy.

"I still wish I could have seen your shot." Jensen made sure to pull his hand back, just to be on the safe side, before slumping low and leaning his head against the back of the couch.

Cougar seemed to be staring at his own knees.

"Roque died."

Jensen paused, feeling his chest tighten. He tried not to think about that, because while Roque had obviously betrayed them he had still been a part of the substitute family. The grumpy uncle who everyone was afraid of but still couldn't help relying on because he seemed so capable.

"Yeah, well... he should have thought of that before selling us out." Jensen took a deep breath, feeling the loss and grief trickle through him in a steadily growing stream. "But I guess I don't blame him either. He reached his limit. We all do, sooner or later." Jensen smiled, meeting Cougar's dark, unreadable gaze. "Well, maybe not you. I'm pretty sure you can handle everything."

Cougar's lip quirked but it wasn't from amusement. He shook his head and folded his arms on top of his knees. Jensen bit the inside of his cheek, trying to figure out what to say.

"Hey, I have no idea what it's like, alright? I've never knowingly taken out a former team member, but do know that I don't blame you. Roque had gone totally darkside, man, and it was him or us. And I, for one, am grateful that I might actually get to see my sister and niece again, and perhaps even watch the Petunias crush the Marigolds." Jensen exhaled slowly before bumping his hand against Cougar's shin. "So thanks, Cougar. I wouldn't know what to do without you."

Jensen knew that there was a little more affection and honesty bleeding into those last words than strictly recommended, but Cougar didn't seem to notice. He just smiled, for real this time, and nodded softly.

" _De nada_."

It was difficult not to reach out and touch. Cougar was so close, relaxed and smiling, but Jensen knew how stupid it would be. He couldn't, because that would be too close to telling.

So instead he forced a smile of his own, slightly depressed by how good he had gotten at it, before picking up a completely different tangent, attempting to occupy them both with his mindless chatter. Jensen told Cougar about the probability of life on other planets, the mysteries hiding at the bottom of the oceans, how to make the best grilled cheese sandwiches ever and a detailed explanation of the table of contents for Mountain Dew.

Cougar listened to it all with a small, fond smile on his lips. Even when his throat started to go dry Jensen kept talking, until the sun rose outside and Aisha came sauntering out from the room she shared with Clay. Jensen pretended not to see the judgmental look she gave him – probably on accounts of him being in his boxers, talking about the Petunias odds against the Marigolds – while Cougar listened dutifully.

"Don't tell me you kept him up all night with that bullshit," Aisha said with a rather insulting snort.

Jensen felt himself falter, his hands stilling in the middle of describing the exact layout of the soccer field. The comment had clearly been directed at him and he felt a sting of guilt. His gaze fell and he could feel his happy smile fading. He hadn't, had he? Cougar didn't mind, did he?

He got his answer when Cougar glared at Aisha until she raised her hands in surrender, muttering something Jensen couldn't quite catch. Cougar turned back towards Jensen and smoothly gestured for him to continue, his expression surprisingly soft as soon as he wasn't looking at Aisha anymore. Jensen couldn't help the dorky, happy grin that bloomed on his face.

Yeah, no wonder he was so in love with Cougar.

  


_A part of me knows that there's one less issue between us now. I mean, it hasn't been there for months since we're not in the Army anymore, but even without DADT I can't tell. That's rather frustrating. You'd think I'd be used to it by now and while I am, to a certain extent, I still find myself wanting to say it. Just once._

_It's not because I want to hear you reply that you feel the same – because I know that you don't – but because I want you to know how much I like you. I think you deserve it. You put up with so much shit from me and you never lose your patience. You're never mean and always try to make me feel welcome and protected. You make me feel good, Cougar._

_So I wish I could tell you just how much I appreciate that – how much I treasure our friendship. The fact that I also happen to love you, well, that's a rather expected side effect, if you ask me. I mean, how could I not? You're so fucking nice to me, Cougar, and I'm pretty starved for affection._

_If it wasn't the stupidest idea ever I would try to find out what could make you like me more and become that. I would, in a heartbeat, if it wasn't for the fact that I actually happen to like myself the way I am. I guess that's a good thing. Jess would say that's a good thing. You shouldn't change like that, not even for the people you love – at least not when it means trying to manipulate people into liking you._

_Still, I wish I had a chance. I can't say that I don't dream about it. I've been in love with you for so long now that it feels like a fundamental part of me. I'm not sure if I'll ever get over it. Not that I want to, but it's pretty pathetic that I still cling to the same unrequited love I've had for a year. I've been waiting for it to pass or at least fade a little, but it doesn't._

_It's still hard some days. Those days when you smile and laugh at the things I say and don't seem to mind that I linger a little closer than usual. During those days I almost begin to hope that you might, sometime in the future, feel the same for me._

_It's stupid, I know._

_It will never happen. I tell myself that it will never happen but that small flicker of hope just won't die._

_Would you like me better if I was quieter? Calmer? If I was less of a pain in the ass, if I didn't talk non-stop, if I didn't occasionally forget my gun under very unfortunate circumstances – although I still maintain that you can't remember everything all the time – or if I just stopped being such a child?_

_Would you like me better? Would I have a shot? Would you consider trying out being a little less straight if I was a better person? If I was actually worth the effort?_

_I guess I'll never know._

_Because I can't exactly say that I'd be thrilled if that was the case. I have more self-respect than that. Or at least that's what I tell myself._

_I guess I'm just sort of crumbling under the pressure here. It's been so long and I'm desperate for some sign that you like me back. And I'm almost at the point where I would start making stupid decisions, just to get a little more attention. I'm starved, Cougs._

_It's not your fault of course – and let's not get in to who's really to blame – but when I was younger I did that a lot. Tried to be what people wanted me to be and not who I was. Somewhat stereotypical for a kid growing up in an unstable household, you know? Because you learn that if you're good nothing bad happens so you make sure to be good, even if you aren't._

_I've sort of put that behind me now but things like these make me tempted to try it out again. But I know it's the stupidest idea ever, as said. It wouldn't help. It would be a lie and if there's one thing I don't want it's to lie to you – not about something like that._

_I guess you're stuck with me the way I am._

_Sorry._

  


It was difficult to know what to feel post LA. While they still had their main objective – finding and killing Max – they seemed to be in somewhat of a slump, to Aisha's great dismay. She wanted to keep going, pushing them to get their asses into gear even when Pooch wanted nothing more than to see Jolene and Jensen actually started hoping he'd make it to Beth's semifinal game.

Aisha lost in the end but didn't seem to mind it, not really. She was a badass chick, no one questioned that, but Jensen figured that at least some of it had to be a front. She enjoyed the downtime just as much as they did, because allowing yourself to relax and breathe was important.

Jensen still wasn't sure if they could trust her since she was – if possible – even more dangerous now, but no one really questioned her coming with them. She had saved their lives, after all. But he had no intention of forgiving her for betting against the Petunias, that much was certain.

It felt nice, being able to share that with the team. The hole left by Roque was still open and sore because Aisha wouldn't be able to – and had no intention of – filling it, and Jensen suspected that they were all just trying to ignore it until the loss went away.

Things were definitely not back to normal – they were still considered to be dead, first of all – but if they were careful it was possible to keep a tentative line of communication open with their families.

Jess had hit Jensen with a lamp when he showed up on her doorstep, probably because it was the first thing she had gotten a hold of. He didn't blame her. He didn't want to know what it had been like for them, thinking that he was dead. It took about a day before Jess and Beth stopped looking at him with a mix of sorrow, hope, suspicion and anger.

Jensen didn't even mind that he spent the first two nights curled up uncomfortably in Beth's child sized, pink laced bed, barely able to sleep due to the cramped space, because he had her tucked safely against his chest. Her soft breaths and the warmth of her tiny body grounded him so firmly in what was real and not that he didn't even have nightmares. Jess merely shook her head at her brother and daughter's insistence that sleeping in the same bed was absolutely necessary, but Jensen didn't miss the fond, aching look in her eyes. It was good to be home.

The rest of the team – plus Jolene, the Pooch pup and Aisha – stayed at a hotel nearby while Jensen spent time with his family. It made him feel safer to have them there even if he didn't see them all the time. Aisha and Clay were often off trying to find new leads on Max or boning like crazy – possibly a combination of the two – while Jolene and Pooch spent most of their time cuddling their baby boy or being disgustingly romantic. Jensen assumed they had a lot to catch up on.

This meant that Cougar ended up somewhat left out until Jensen made the decision to drag him along to Jess' house. It wasn't like she would mind and Beth loved having more playmates. Jensen was just waiting for her to try and braid Cougar's hair because there was actually about a 50/50 percent chance that Cougar would let her. He seemed to be a sucker for Beth's big, blue eyes.

While it never actually came to that they seemed to get along just fine, once Cougar stopped looking like a panicked cat trying his best not to step on the tiny kitten jumping excitedly up and down around him. Well, maybe Jensen was the only one able to read the look on Cougar's face, but it didn't make it any less adorable. Because Jensen knew that Cougar would never, ever hurt Beth or Jess. He trusted Cougar. His family was safe with Cougar.

Jess didn't seem to like Aisha much but that might have been because someone – actually not Jensen – had mentioned that Aisha had shot him at one point, however non life-threatening it had been. But they still got along and it was weirdly, disarmingly domestic to squeeze around Jess' admittedly too small dinner table, surrounded by his team and family. Jensen could get used to that, but he knew that it was a bad idea. It was too dangerous.

Max was still out there and while he might be momentarily disarmed and beaten down he would come back, they all knew that. Whatever peace they had wouldn't last.

But it was difficult to remember that when Jess and Jolene were cooing over the baby, Clay, Pooch and Aisha had heated discussion over whatever, just to have a reason to talk, and Cougar was teaching Beth simple Spanish phrases, both of them looking so serious and focused that Jensen didn't know what to do with himself.

Jensen's chest _ached_ with longing. He wanted this to be his life, without the threat of Max hanging over their heads and without not knowing whether they would live to see the end of the week. _This_ was what he wanted in life. _This_ was his family.

Jensen only prayed that he would get to keep it.

  


Three weeks later they were at it again. Jensen was honestly surprised it took that long.

Saying goodbye to Jess and Beth was painful but they knew that staying when Max was starting to rear his head again was just short of suicide. Pooch definitely took it the hardest, having to leave Jolene and his baby boy, but they had always known it would eventually come to that. Still, no one blamed him for being angry about it.

It took a little longer than usual for Jensen to get back on track. He didn't know if it was because he missed Jess and Beth or because he had to get used to his and Cougar's working relationship again. Not that they had ever stopped or anything major had changed while in New Hampshire, but Jensen's thoughts sure had. He had started to relax, feeling more at ease in Cougar's presence than he ever had before – and he had been pretty relaxed to begin with.

Now he was forced to snap back to reality, only to realize that he had been awfully, awfully close to slipping. Just a few more days and he would probably have kissed Cougar goodnight without thinking, simply because it would have felt natural. Having Cougar close felt natural.

Jensen couldn't let that happen.

So he put a little more distance between them, but not enough to be noticed, he hoped. That wasn't his intention after all. He didn't want to push Cougar away; he just wanted to keep his own feelings well under wraps so that Cougar would never, ever know just how in love Jensen was with him.

Jensen could tell it wasn't working. To his horror he had to face the fact that something _had_ changed while in New Hampshire.

They had grown even closer, not to the point that Cougar returned his feelings but apparently enough for him to notice that something was wrong. Cougar kept giving Jensen these confused, thoughtful looks whenever Jensen pulled out of reach or didn't initiate conversations as soon as they were in the same room. It was frustrating because Cougar almost seemed _hurt_ by it but Jensen only did it because he wanted to protect him from something far worse. Jensen would love it if he could allow his emotions free reign, but he couldn't. He knew that.

So he pushed them aside and obviously worried Cougar quite a bit in the process. But there was nothing else to do. Cougar couldn't know. Jensen had to back off.

They couldn't remain like they had been while visiting Jensen's sister, where Cougar ended up sleeping on Jess' couch most nights because he didn't feel like returning to the hotel and sit there alone in the gloom. And that, in turn, had meant sharing breakfast in Jess' bright, homey kitchen while Beth demanded more Spanish lessons and Jensen might have learned a bit too, because he didn't actually know Spanish as much as he knew how to speak Cougar. It had only made Cougar more enthusiastic to have two students and Jensen had tried not to preen too much whenever he did good and Cougar awarded him with a smile and a surprisingly playful little nudge.

Not to mention the days when Jensen had dragged Cougar along to help with the grocery shopping because Jess refused to do it when Jensen was just lazing around the house while she had to go to work. Cougar was the only thing that had kept Jensen from arguing with the fifty-something lady that had cut them off in the queue to the cash register. But he had also proved very adept at remembering everything from Jensen's favorite candy to the detergent he preferred. Jensen didn't even know how Cougar had found out half of the stuff he obviously knew about Jensen's likes and dislikes.

And then there was that time Jensen and Beth had been playing hide-and-seek and Cougar – the bastard – had helped Beth hide in the topmost part of the linen closet. Jensen hadn't searched there because no eight year old was supposed to be able to hide that high up, partly because of the danger of her falling and hurting herself, but Jensen hadn't been able to remain mad when Beth and Cougar had grinned widely at him after having given each other a triumphant high five. They were adorable.

But Jensen couldn't have that, no matter how much he might want it, because he and Cougar didn't see it the same way. Cougar was just being nice to his best friend's niece while Jensen was beginning to have illusions of a real, happy family. It was so unfair because Cougar was so fucking good at it. He made it seem so real and it just made it harder for Jensen to ignore his stupid, unwanted feelings.

Not even hunting for Max seemed able to distract him anymore and Jensen struggled with his letters. He didn't know what to write because all of it was just a litany of ' _don't do it_ '.

_Don't tell Cougar. Whatever you do, don't tell Cougar_.

But it was so hard not to. Cougar kept trying to breach the small distance Jensen had put between them, obviously bewildered by the change considering how much fun they had had while visiting Jess and Beth. They had been pretty fucking happy.

And that was Jensen's problem. He had been so happy because it was everything he could possibly want. He had seen a glimpse of it – he had held it in his hands – but he had to let it go. He couldn't let Cougar remain that close because Jensen would undoubtedly fuck it up and even without DADT Cougar wasn't gay or even bisexual. He didn't love Jensen back, not like that.

So for every step Cougar took towards him Jensen took one back, until Cougar finally stopped trying. It hurt – it hurt so fucking much to see the quiet, disappointed acceptance on Cougar's face – but what else could Jensen do? He couldn't risk it. They couldn't keep acting like they had because it was so close to them being a couple that Jensen would forget that they weren't.

They stopped talking.

Well, Cougar had never really talked that much to begin with but now Jensen stopped as well.

It didn't take long for the others to notice. It was probably difficult not to since if Jensen wasn't talking to Cougar it meant that he was about seventy percent quieter than usual, and that left their safe house, warehouse or wherever they happened to be in at the moment in practical silence most of the time. So yeah, they noticed.

It still took Clay two weeks to bring it up, either because he had hoped that it would solve itself or because they had been busy chasing down some douches that seemed to have a connection to Max. They were in Hungary at the time but were getting ready to move on to India, following a money trail that Jensen had picked up on two days prior.

"Are you and Cougar going to sort this out sometime soon or do I have to order you to?"

Jensen flicked a quick glance in Clay's direction before focusing back on his laptop screen.

"We're not in the Army anymore so orders are pretty much useless," Jensen replied.

"So is avoiding the question."

Jensen felt a sting of frustration and sighed heavily. Clay merely crossed his arms over his chest, looking reprimanding and almost paternal in a way that Jensen had never quite gotten the hang of, because Clay didn't have a paternal bone in his body. He was far too immature for that.

"What of it?" Jensen asked defensively. He didn't want to discuss this with Clay. In fact, he didn't want to discuss it with _anyone_. Jensen was miserable without Cougar and he hadn't been able to channel his anger and anxiety into writing in several weeks. The last time he tried he had snapped the pen in two.

"The two of you are disrupting the team. You are cranky and snappish and the other day I thought that Cougar was literally going to snarl at Aisha when she touched one of his guns."

Jensen would have paid to see that.

"I'd say that's just Cougar on a regular day, Colonel," Jensen drawled lazily. "You should be glad he didn't shoot her."

Clay didn't seem convinced.

"The point is that I don't care if you talk it out or fight it out as long as you get it over with without killing each other or us. This can't continue. Someone might get hurt or die on our next op just because you two suddenly can't get along." Clay's voice was hard and ruthless, but not without reason, Jensen admitted. Clay did have a point. "Do I make myself clear?"

Jensen wanted to refuse or at least ignore it, but after having spent so much time in the Army it was a knee-jerk reaction to reply to someone he still considered to be his superior officer. It was hard to forget even if they didn't have their dog tags and uniforms anymore.

"Yes, sir."

Clay nodded firmly before turning on his heel and walking out, clearly signaling that the conversation was over. Jensen wanted to defy him just out of spite, and that, more than anything, proved just how rude he had gotten lately. Being apart from Cougar was apparently a very bad idea. But Jensen didn't know if he could fix it either. Cougar had no reason to forgive him and Jensen still couldn't let Cougar too close. It would be disastrous.

So while he wasn't going to ignore the order he couldn't act on it immediately either. He needed to figure out a way to be friends with Cougar, with all the newly added closeness from their visit in New Hampshire and _still_ not let it slip that Jensen was in love with him. Oh joy.

Some days he wondered why he didn't just shoot himself.

  


Jensen knew that the breaking point would come sooner or later; it was just a matter of time. No one could hold out forever and Jensen was probably less adept at it than most people.

So it wasn't exactly a surprise when the moment finally arrived.

While he did plan to do something about the silence between him and Cougar he didn't have the time to implement it before they got pulled into another one of Max's schemes, practically as soon as they set foot in India. Suddenly no one had time to worry about Jensen and Cougar's relationship because their contact in New Delhi turned up dead, someone tried to hack Jensen's computer, although they obviously _failed_ – take that, bitches – and some of Max's goons blew up the coffee shop they were supposed to meet at while Aisha and Clay were practically still in it.

So were eight other people, but Jensen had gotten it confirmed over the comms that everyone were alive despite minor wounds and ringing eardrums.

It was turning out to be a lovely vacation.

At least the hired guns were so obviously badass, testosterone filled American mercenaries that there was no mistaking them for the innocent tourists and local population, which made Cougar's job a lot easier.

It was a good thing that the Losers' specialty had always been to think on their feet and overcome every challenge thrown at them, because otherwise they would have been in deep shit. Well, they still were, but they would have died much sooner.

As it were Jensen learned what it was like to run for his life through the crowded streets of New Delhi and how much faster you could improve your parkour skills when the result of failure was getting your head blown off.

Jensen, Pooch and Cougar had been on standby while Aisha and Clay went to meet their contact but as soon as the building blew up they had to scatter in different directions to avoid a bloodbath. Cougar was possibly the only one still safe, tucked away in whatever nest he had found, but Jensen was a little too busy trying not to get perforated to listen to everything that was being said over the comms. They had to pull out and regroup, but the mercenaries at his heels didn't seem inclined to just let him skip off and do that.

Jensen still managed to latch on to the important bits – pick up in ten, four blocks from the coffee shop – and consequentially the fact that he was running in the wrong direction. He spat a couple of curses in Russian, Klingon and Spanish – the latter for Cougar's benefit if he happened to be listening – while trying to double back without taking a bullet. Mostly because his laptop case was strapped to his back and it was the biggest target. Jensen was likely to start crying if they shot his computer.

He lost one of his pursuers in traffic, another two when jumping between buildings before slithering back down to ground level, but that still left one tenacious son of a bitch who just wouldn't let up. Jensen would have been impressed if he wasn't also so pissed off.

It was difficult to circle back when Jensen didn't want to get too close to the chaos surrounding the exploded building or lead more baddies straight to his team, but he didn't have much choice unless he wanted to head for their secondary rendezvous point instead. So Jensen kept running, despite the stifling heat and the baffled people he ran past, praying that the merc had at least run out of bullets.

That seemed to be the case when they emerged on the outer edges of the small square-like plaza where the coffee shop had once been and Jensen miscalculated a step which sent him stumbling into some poor guy's merchant stall. He felt hands grappling for him a second later and he didn't even flinch before letting his reflex kick in, barely dodging the mean looking knife aimed to plunge into his side.

Jensen whirled around, blocking the second attempt to lacerate him, their arms locking in shoulder height, the blade two inches from Jensen's throat. While he and his attacker seemed to be of roughly the same size the other bastard was stronger, which became blood chillingly obvious when Jensen was pushed back, until he was arching over the merchant stall. Despite his efforts and their locked limbs the knife inched closer. Jensen gritted his teeth, trying to push back, but it was difficult when the other guy could use his weight to force the knife downwards.

Then he saw it.

A brief, bright flicker of red – no bigger than a pinprick – on the other guy's shoulder, and Jensen dared a quick glance across the square. He didn't see a reflection from the scope – Cougar was better than that – but he knew it had to be him. And he knew that Cougar couldn't take the shot because Jensen was in the line of fire, should the bullet pass through its first target. Unless Jensen knew when to duck.

Jensen sucked in a quick breath before giving a sharp nod, knowing that Cougar would see it. Jensen trusted that Cougar would do his part. He always did.

It went against every instinct in his body to stop pushing back, to let the knife drop closer, but it was the only way for him to catch the bastard off guard, and he only needed a split second anyway. He wasn't quite fast enough when it came to twisting his upper body, the blade cutting into his skin just above his neckline before slipping to slice into his shoulder instead. Not deep but enough to make him hiss as he quickly let go and felt the other guy teeter forward, stumbling for a foothold when there was suddenly less resistance than expected. Jensen went boneless and allowed himself to fall to the side, out of the bullet's trajectory.

The guy was dead before Jensen even hit the ground. Jensen didn't see the shot as much as he felt it when blood splattered on his arm, but he definitely heard the aftermath.

The terrified screams from the surrounding bystanders that had quieted since the explosion picked up again and Jensen gave himself a moment to try and catch his breath, despite the sting in his shoulder and the blood trickling from his neck.

"Jensen? Jensen!" Cougar's voice sounded surprisingly uneven over the comms. "Jake!"

Huh. Cougar never called him Jake. But then Jensen realized what it must look like with him lying motionless on the ground bleeding from his neck with a dead guy half sprawled on top of him.

"My bad. 's okay," he mumbled while hurriedly pushing the dead weight off himself and struggling to his feet. He felt a little dizzy but remained stable enough. "I'm good, Cougs. Nice shot."

People were screaming and Jensen could see some of the responders from the explosion trying to make their way towards what they probably thought was another accident.

"We better get out of here, Cougs!" Jensen hollered over the comms, running before he even finished the sentence. "You with me?"

" _Sí_." Curt and to the point. Jensen took comfort in that, trusting that Cougar would pack up and head for the rendezvous.

Two minutes later Pooch was hailing them.

"Alright, the taxi's here. Hurry up or you'll have to walk home."

Jensen grinned as he ran down the street.

"I call shotgun!"

"Too late," Aisha drawled and Jensen had half a mind to pout, but since he turned around a corner and caught sight of the van he decided to save it until he could actually show her his pouty face too.

Clay pushed the door open from the inside when Jensen approached and he climbed in with a wide grin, catching the towel Clay tossed at him without a word. Jensen pressed it to his neck and was just about to whine about Aisha sitting perched in the front seat next to Pooch when Clay cut him off.

"Where's Cougar?"

That definitely took priority.

"About a minute behind me." Jensen knew exactly how long it took Cougar to pack up, but depending on the amount of stairs he had to descend and people he had to avoid there could be some added seconds here and there.

Clay gave a simple nod and Jensen took the opportunity to catch his breath. Pooch was antsy, Mojito bobbing his head on the dashboard, and Jensen knew that as soon as Cougar arrived they would be off. They couldn't risk lingering longer than necessary.

An unsettling feeling crept along Jensen's spine as the seconds ticked by, Pooch's fingers drumming on the steering wheel in a show of nerves that was actually pretty unusual for him. But Pooch had been a little different ever since they had to leave their families.

"You said a minute?" Aisha asked, looking at Jensen before glancing meaningfully at Clay.

Jensen felt his throat go dry. Before he had time to panic fully Clay was barking over the comms.

"Cougar, what's your ETA?"

Silence.

Something lodged in Jensen's throat and cold chill seemed to spread inside his chest.

"Cougar, answer me!" Clay turned to Jensen. "Did you see him?"

"I-I..." Jensen didn't know what to say, lowering the towel from the cut in his neck. "No. But he was right behind me."

That clearly wasn't good enough and Clay continued to try and contact Cougar over the comms while Jensen pulled out his laptop with shaking hands, ignoring the worried glance Pooch threw in the rear view mirror. Aisha was silent.

Jensen forced himself to breathe despite the fear pulsing in his veins. Cougar couldn't have been far behind but there had been an entire square between them. There were a lot of things that could have happened, but Jensen hadn't heard or seen it. He should have.

Cougar was supposed to be right behind him.

Jensen shut out Clay's increasingly alarmed attempts to hail Cougar over the comms and focused on his laptop instead, trying to locate the tracker in Cougar's earpiece. And the one Jensen had hid inside Cougar's rifle case because what Cougar didn't know wouldn't hurt him.

"His earpiece is out, possibly broken," Jensen reported in a monotone, feeling the warmth leech from his limbs, leaving him numb and strangely disconnected. This couldn't be happening.

"We should get going," Aisha declared, and even if Jensen recognized the regret in her voice it didn't stop him from snapping at her.

"We're not leaving."

"That's not your call," Clay barked, possibly at Jensen, possibly at the both of them. It was difficult to tell and Jensen focused back on his screen without replying.

"His rifle case is... not moving."

It felt like someone had punched a hole straight through his chest.

Not moving could mean dead. It could also mean that Cougar had been forced to abandon it but Jensen knew that Cougar never would unless it was absolutely necessary. He might be dead.

Jensen didn't know how to keep breathing.

"Pooch, get us out of here," Clay ordered. Jensen snapped back to attention.

"What? No!" He almost got to his feet but was knocked back when Pooch stepped on the gas. Jensen glared at Clay. "We can't just leave him!"

"We're not leaving him, Jensen, but we can't stay here either." Clay obviously tried to sound patient but it didn't stop Jensen from wanting to punch him in the face. "We're heading for the secondary meeting point."

Jensen gritted his teeth but simmered down, if only barely. Clay shot him a warning look but Jensen couldn't care less. Screw Clay and his stupid orders. Jensen wasn't capable of remaining calm if Cougar was in trouble somehow. It was like a physical ache and even if he tried to keep the crippling fear at bay Jensen felt it crawling under his skin. He remained sullenly silent while Pooch drove them towards their second rendezvous.

Cougar would be there. Cougar _had_ to be there. Jensen wasn't even going to consider any other option. He refused to.

Cougar had to be there.

  


Cougar wasn't.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I kind of feel bad for you new people reading my stories because that cliffhanger thing? Yeah, it's a reoccuring thing. Buuuut I also guarantee steady updates within a couple of days so there's that.
> 
> I love writing action-y bits. Before I was terrified of them - still am to tell the truth - but I ENJOY doing it. I don't know why.
> 
> It was around here that my beta, [CarpeDentum](http://archiveofourown.org/users/CarpeDentum), realised that there was no way for her to avoid my special brand of suspense, despite the introduction of a new fandom. She is far too trusting sometimes.  
> 


	4. The Snukes

 

* * *

 

Everyone seemed surprised when Jensen didn't protest their decision to return to their hideout. He didn't say anything at all, as a matter of fact. Not after Clay had reluctantly determined that they couldn't risk going to the last known location of Cougar's rifle case on the off chance that he would be there. It went unsaid that the only thing they could expect to find there was Cougar's corpse, because if Cougar was alive he wouldn't have stuck around.

So they returned to their hideout – a bare, cramped house in a bustling neighborhood that didn't seem to notice the odd group of mismatched people that had just arrived – and Jensen sat quiet and obedient as Pooch cleaned his cuts, staring out into space.

There was still a chance that Cougar was alive, he knew that, because Cougar might just not have been able to reach the secondary location in time, but it was a small comfort. Practically non-existent.

Clay seemed to think Cougar was alive. Aisha didn't – Jensen could see it in the way she watched Clay. Pooch was in denial but it was difficult to say what exactly he was denying. Jensen was just numb and empty.

He didn't say a word.

Aisha bounced back the fastest, probably because she was still new to the group and might not actually care that much about them, so it only took her about half an hour before she wanted to start discussing their next step. They obviously had to counter this attack somehow. Clay went along with it, possibly because it gave him something else to think about and the show must go on, and all that.

Jensen didn't give a damn.

He just sat there, thinking about the letters he had written Cougar and how Jensen might have lost him. A part of him regretted that he hadn't said anything but another knew that nothing had changed. It was still best if Cougar didn't know, dead or alive.

Pooch made attempts to talk to him but Jensen returned to his laptop without a word, busying himself with trying to gather as much intel on the explosion as possible, as well as running down some avenues in hope of finding out if Max might be in the vicinity or if it was just his henchmen.

Jensen shut down the tracking software, the bright red dot signifying Cougar's rifle case blinking out of existence as if never having been there in the first place.

When Clay ordered him to report Jensen already had a prepared folder with information. He flipped the laptop around so that Clay and Aisha could read before getting to his feet and walking out the room.

Not that he went far. He wasn't that stupid. He knew that if Cougar was out there, trying to get back to them, this was where he would go. It was better to just stay put and wait, but that had never been Jensen's strong suit. Cougar was the patient one.

Jensen didn't even have a room where he could shut himself in so he went up on the roof. Foolish perhaps, because he was in clear sight from six possible vantage points where snipers would prefer to set up camp – spending time with Cougar had undoubtedly warped the way Jensen viewed the world – but he couldn't exactly say that he cared.

He looked out over what little he could see of the city, listening to the drifting voices – mostly Hindi, some English, and various other languages Jensen couldn't identify – while trying to feel something. But he couldn't. He was just empty and hollow inside.

He didn't know what to do. So he ended up sitting there, on the roof, elbows rested on his raised knees while staring out at the surrounding houses and the people on the streets. He sat there long after darkness had fallen but no one came to get him. It surprised him a little since he figured that Aisha would want to move as quickly as possible, but perhaps Clay was able to hold her back.

Jensen had no intention of leaving the safe house. Not until he knew for sure. He was going to wait for Cougar. Clay had to know that too.

When he started shivering Jensen went inside again, not surprised to see that hours had passed. He didn't really care. Cougar wasn't there yet.

Pooch shot him a look from the bunk he had in one corner but Jensen didn't return it. Clay and Aisha seemed to have retreated to the only other room in the house besides the primitive bathroom and Jensen wasn't even going to bother trying to figure out what they were doing in there. He sat down in front of his laptop instead, looking over the notes Clay had left with further instructions. Jensen knew that he wouldn't be able to sleep so he might as well get some work done. Clay had probably foreseen that too.

Jensen knew that he was being incredibly obvious but he figured that no one blamed him for taking Cougar's disappearance as hard as he did. Everyone knew how close they were, even if they weren't aware of the depth of Jensen's feelings.

"He'll be back."

Jensen blinked once, slowly, but didn't otherwise acknowledge Pooch's comment. He kept tapping on his keys, working his way through several different information channels at once.

Pooch didn't say anything else and a couple of seconds later he turned around on the cot, his back to Jensen. It was the only kind of privacy they could offer each other. Not that Jensen had any intention of breaking down. He was hovering in some kind of limbo, not knowing whether to just crumple to the floor or smash something in grief-stricken fury, and therefore ended up doing neither.

He kept working, even when Pooch started snoring and the buzzing sounds from outside died down as the hour grew late. Jensen barely noticed, caught up in his work and his desperate need not to think about Cougar. For each hour that passed the odds of Cougar being alive diminished rapidly. Jensen forced himself not to think about that. Nor did he even consider the possibility of Cougar having gotten captured.

Despite how focused he was on his work he still heard the quiet snick of the door opening. It might have been due to how high strung he was or the fact that he was hanging on to his sanity by a thin, frail thread but Jensen was on his feet, gun aimed at the door, before he had time to blink.

Cougar certainly looked surprised, probably because Jensen had never been particularly professional about how he handled his weapons but there he was, textbook stance and aim dead on.

They both froze.

Jensen did because he couldn't quite sort through his impulses and impressions and Cougar because he suddenly found himself at gunpoint. Jensen knew that he should lower his gun but his body wouldn't move. He felt tense like a coiled spring, barely breathing. He could only stare, not daring to blink. Jensen distantly registered that he might be in shock. Or just so fucking relieved that he couldn't even handle it.

Cougar slowly raised his hands and backed up a step to make sure that the door closed behind him. It was a miracle that Pooch hadn't woken up yet. Cougar seemed to be favoring his left leg and the small flecks of blood Jensen saw on his clothes might not even be Cougar's, which was comforting.

"Jake." Cougar's voice was low and hoarse. He looked tired but his eyes were still alert.

It broke through. Jensen finally moved.

The gun slipped from his hands before he was able to place it properly on the rickety table and he was across the room in three long strides. He barreled into Cougar, wrapping him up in his arms with enough force to make Cougar's hat fall off his head. Jensen didn't care. Cougar wasn't fighting it so he probably didn't have any broken or cracked ribs and as long as Jensen wasn't hurting him he had no intention of letting go.

He dipped his head, burying it against Cougar's neck, and held on for dear life. He didn't care what he was revealing or how out of line he was – he just wanted to feel that Cougar was alive. He needed to _know_ that Cougar was alive.

It took a second or two before Jensen felt a hand on his back, at first thinking that Cougar was going to attempt to pull him away, but he didn't. The hand settled, warm and oddly comforting against Jensen's shoulder blade. He nearly whimpered. Cougar's other hand curled around the back of Jensen's neck while soft, gentle words in Spanish were whispered in his ear. He only caught about a third of them but the general message seemed to be that Cougar was fine. That it was okay. That they were okay.

Although they clearly weren't. Jensen knew that much. He was cracking. He was reaching his breaking point. He wouldn't be able to take this much longer. He was going to fuck up and he was going to do it soon. The mere fact that he hadn't kissed Cougar as soon as he stepped inside the door was a small miracle. Jensen was so screwed.

But at least Cougar was alive, and the others were suddenly there, asking if Cougar was alright and what had happened. As if Cougar would ever tell.

Jensen let go, avoiding everyone's gaze – especially Cougar's – while inching back to give Pooch some room to claim a much briefer but still heartfelt hug. Jensen was suddenly exhausted; all the strength draining from him in one fell swoop. He was glad when he could drift over to his computer under the pretence of finish off his work, but he could feel Cougar's eyes linger on him. Which was bad. Very bad. Jensen knew he shouldn't have hugged him so tightly. Cougar wasn't stupid after all – it had to have shown. It had to have been obvious that the desperation Jensen felt ran deeper than it would if you were mere friends. That hadn't been a friendly hug.

But he pretended that he didn't notice Cougar's imploring, demanding looks. He couldn't deal with that, not now, not ever. He was relieved when Clay sent them to bed and told them to be up at five the next morning. Pooch was put on watch since Jensen had already taken about two shifts on his own and he could admit that he needed the rest. Partly because of lack of sleep but also because it gave him an excuse to ignore Cougar entirely, their bunks being on separate ends of the room already, on accounts of their frosty relationship the past couple of weeks.

Pooch's presence kept Cougar from pushing the issue.

Jensen was pretty much terrified when he lay down on his bed, knowing that he wouldn't be able to run from this forever. Cougar would corner him eventually and Jensen wasn't sure if he was strong enough to lie anymore. He might end up telling, no matter how he kept repeating those three words inside his head like a manic, desperate mantra.

_Don't tell Cougar_.

  


Jensen was grateful for the severe lack of downtime they got after that. They were all up and at the ready at five AM sharp and barely had time to breathe – much less discuss not-quite-friendly hugs – during the following two days.

At first it was mostly just recon work where Jensen was kept busier than the other four combined, but once he managed to zero in on a location with Max's fingerprints all over it they all got to pitch in. Plans were drawn, new contacts made and they prepared as well as they could, first and foremost by getting Cougar another rifle. The building they were going to try and infiltrate seemed to be some sort of storage facility, deeply hidden under a mountain of paperwork that had almost sent Jensen's head spinning before he was able to straighten it all out and confirm that it was the real deal.

Jensen avoided Cougar at all times or at least made sure to always have someone else nearby as a buffer, because Cougar wasn't going to start talking in front of an audience, Jensen knew that much. It was cowardly, sure, but also necessary, since they had more important things to do.

Cougar was more silent than usual when they moved into position, possibly because he felt grumpy about his still obvious limp – which would set him back if he needed to offer more than just long range cover – or because Jensen wasn't looking at him. It was difficult to tell. Jensen decided that it was probably the former, if only because it made him feel less guilty.

They hit the building – a big blocky thing that seemed awfully remote and isolated for being New Delhi – in the dead of night, cruising past the few guards they had been able to spot marching the perimeter. It was difficult to say if they were so few because they wanted to make it look less important or if the Losers were just about to seize Max's stash of Darjeeling.

Jensen was actually a little worried considering how LA had gone from a cake walk to FUBAR in two seconds flat, but he had tried his best to triple check the authenticity of the location this time. There had to have been a reason for Max trying to have them blown up as soon as they arrived in India; hopefully because they were closing in on something big. Which was a slightly demented way of measuring success if Jensen was to be honest, but certainly effective.

It turned out that they were absolutely right.

It was definitely one of Max's storage facilities and even if the man himself wasn't there three of his shiny Easter eggs were. Although they didn't know that until Jensen literally tripped over one of them when he ducked inside a room to avoid getting spotted by a guard. Jensen was going to have a bruise for a week from banging his knee into that bloody thing and was cursing furiously under his breath while limping in a tiny circle, as if walking it off would help.

"Alright," he breathed over the comms, "the good news is that I found something. The bad news is that they fucking attacked me and now my knee hurts."

" _¿Qué?_ " Cougar sounded baffled but with a hint of sharpness.

"Jensen, what the fuck are you on?" Pooch hissed, waiting patiently in their getaway vehicle as usual.

"Those odd bomb thingies Max had in LA. Snukes, right? He apparently has more than one. I tripped over three of them." Jensen wasn't sure who made the choked noise over the comms. He hurried to continue. "But they're not vibrating! So I'm guessing their not armed."

"You're _guessing_?" Aisha snarled, raising her voice a little higher than strictly recommended.

"You want me to poke around and find out?"

"NO," a chorus of four voices replied. Which, really, was quite offensive. Jensen wasn't _that_ clumsy.

"Give us your location," Clay ordered. "Change of plans. We're taking them with us."

Jensen wanted to argue that it might be a bad idea to just pick up whatever weapons of mass destruction they happened to stumble over – they had no idea where those things had been – but they couldn't exactly leave them either. So he did as told and waited for backup to arrive. He knew it might take a while since he, Clay and Aisha all tried to move as silently as possible. The less resistance they ran into and the longer they could slip through unnoticed the better.

Of course that was when Cougar hailed them to let them know that he had spotted movement, heading for their building. A small convoy apparently, complete with an armored transport, and that could only mean that Max was attempting to have the snukes shipped out since he knew that the Losers were onto him.

It complicated things since a convoy like that usually included a truckload of more guards but also, for their benefit, a convenient upgrade in transportation. Jensen didn't really care how they went about it as long as they made a decision before the guys coming to collect the bombs arrived and found him standing there next to them like some colossal idiot.

It ended up being equal parts improvisation, skill and dumb luck that got them through the day.

Cougar took out as many of the vehicles as he could without also revealing his position while Clay and Aisha offered a distraction in the form of many lead bullets for the soldiers pouring out from the remaining ones. That gave Pooch a chance to sneak up and steal the heavy, armored truck obviously meant to transport the snukes. All this while Jensen was left standing in the storage room with nothing better to do than jumping up and down like a Duracell bunny, waiting for his turn.

"I don't get how you can do this, man," he blurted out without thinking, trying to distract himself from how useless he felt, even if he knew the essence of patience and well-timed ops. "This waiting around bit is just so frustrating."

" _Cálmate_ ," Cougar replied, voice smooth and soothing. He didn't even have to ask who Jensen was talking to.

The funny thing was that Jensen actually did relax. He and Cougar might be on slightly shaky terms due to Jensen's slowly slipping sanity but that didn't change the fact that Cougar was one heck of a calming influence on him. Jensen took a slow, calculated breath while biting back all the other things he wanted to say. Now was not the time. There would never be time for the things Jensen wanted to say.

Thirty second later Pooch was on the other side of the door and he and Jensen set about loading and securing the snukes onto the armored truck, which was no easy feat considering the sheer weight of them. But they managed through improvisation involving some sort of industrial wheeled cart and a lot of curses and groaning. Once that was done Jensen quickly set about dismantling the GPS and other trackers in the truck while Pooch took care of the stray guards that had managed to avoid getting mangled by Aisha and Clay. It was actually kind of fun once Jensen got to be a part of the action.

Before long Pooch and Jensen climbed into the truck and were off, stopping only long enough to allow Clay and Aisha to jump in back and close the doors before they sped up again, tires squealing. Bullets ricocheted off the armored plated sides but Jensen decided against shooting back.

Pooch stepped on the brakes two buildings down and Jensen threw open the passenger side door, just as Cougar emerged from the emergency exit. Jensen caught the rifle case Cougar practically tossed at him before reaching out and gripping Cougar's hand to pull him into the truck. It was a tight fit since the cockpit clearly wasn't made for three, but Jensen tried to scoot over as much as possible without disturbing Pooch's driving. That still left Jensen and Cougar with their legs tangled, Jensen's hand stuck between Cougar's warm back and the seat and a rifle case balanced somewhere in the chaos of limbs. It was so absurd that Jensen couldn't help snickering.

Cougar shot him a deadpan look but it soon morphed into an amused, fond smile. Jensen was glad that he was so stuck that he wasn't physically capable of leaning in and kissing Cougar right then because he might just have tried otherwise. They were sitting so close together that the brim of Cougar's hat kept bumping against the side of Jensen's head. And Cougar really needed to stop looking at him like that because Jensen was going to misinterpret it and ruin it for the both of them.

"You alright back there?" Pooch called out while taking a sharp turn that had Jensen choking on his breath. Cougar had to brace for them both against the passenger side door.

"Clay is angry because he got shot," Aisha reported back, but she sounded amused rather than alarmed so it was safe to assume that it wasn't a serious gunshot wound. It was impossible to hear what Clay replied since it was mainly directed at her, but he sure sounded sullen and grumpy.

"Alright, this was fun!" Jensen exclaimed, mostly to keep his mind off the fact that he had Cougar practically in his lap. Or he was in Cougar's. It was difficult to tell at that point. "Stealing probably ridiculously expensive weapons of mass destruction, hijacking a sweet, armored ride and fleeing in a hail of bullets. _Awesome_."

Pooch rolled his eyes but Jensen could only grin, thrumming his fingers against Cougar's back without even thinking about it, high on adrenaline and the rush that always came after a successfully performed op without any casualties. Jensen hummed.

"I'm hungry. Who's up for drive-through?"

He wasn't sure if he actually deserved the elbow Cougar rammed into his ribs.

  


They returned to the hideout only to quickly pack up their remaining gear and switch vehicles. While it would have been optimal if they could keep the secure, armored truck they had stolen it was far too eye-catching to use in the long run. Even without the GPS and trackers people would be looking for it.

As soon as they took off Jensen and Aisha focused on securing a quick getaway out of the country, squeezing down on the floor of their backup van, right next to the snukes. It made Jensen vaguely nervous but he kept his head in the game, occasionally shouting out directions to Pooch on where to drive. They all knew that they couldn't stay in India. Max would tear it upside down and inside out in search for his precious bombs and their best bet was to just leave as quickly as possible and lay low for a month or two.

Jensen could tell that Aisha toyed with the idea of using the snukes, either as actual weapons or bargaining chips, but Clay decided that they were to be dismantled and preferably destroyed. While the technology was certainly a work of art and Jensen would have liked to study them more closely he was with Clay on this one. No playing around with the nasty Easter eggs.

As soon as they knew where the snukes would go Jensen started planning where _he_ would go. He wasn't stupid. Laying low meant no distractions and nothing stopping Cougar from demanding an explanation for Jensen's fickle behavior. That was not going to play out well so Jensen had to make sure to avoid it.

He suggested, a little off-handedly, that maybe they should split up for now. Clay gave him a narrow-eyed look from where he sat in the passenger seat, his left arm hastily bandaged in lack of better options. Jensen continued to argue that the less people that followed the snukes to their destination and eventual dismantle the better, since it would be harder to track.

To Jensen's infinite surprise Aisha agreed with him, pointing out that she and Clay could easily transport the bombs on their own. Jensen suspected that she just wanted to be able to have sex with Clay without having to consider sound levels and possible vandalism. Pooch had nothing against Jensen and Aisha's suggestion, probably because he recognized and opportunity to go home to his family when he saw one. Jensen didn't know what Cougar thought because Jensen refused to look at him and Cougar, as was often the case, didn't speak up.

Clay eventually agreed, albeit reluctantly, and Jensen quickly started planning how to get to New Hampshire. He didn't invite the others to come along this time – not even Cougar – and no one seemed to think that was strange.

Jensen still felt guilt and self-derision churn in his gut because he knew that he was fleeing. Away from Cougar and away from taking responsibility over his emotions. It was just so hard when he was certain that Cougar would hate him for it. He couldn't face that.

But he also knew that he was at the end of his rope. He might be able to get away now but it was only a matter of time before he would see Cougar again and then he'd be doomed. Jensen was still going to try to postpone it for as long as possible. Because he was a coward like that.

Jensen ignored how Cougar kept trying to catch his attention, all the way to where they would split up and head in different directions. It really was better that way, despite the furious look on Cougar's face. But Cougar didn't stop him and Jensen didn't stay.

Jensen was such a fucking coward.

  


At least Beth was happy to see him, even if Jess seemed a bit suspicious about his sudden appearance and the way he froze when Beth asked if Cougar was coming too, because she had practiced her Spanish and wanted to show him. It felt like someone had kicked Jensen in the gut.

Why had he let her get attached? If Cougar found out about Jensen's feelings – which really was more of a _when_ than _if_ by now – then he might feel less inclined to visit Jess and Beth again. On the other hand, Cougar was a good guy so Jensen might be able to guilt him into it, even if he and Jensen weren't on good terms. Beth's adorable baby blues would certainly convince him not to abandon her just because Jensen was an idiot.

That settled he told Beth that Cougar couldn't make it because he had other things to do. Jensen actually had no idea how Cougar intended to spend their unexpected downtime. He might have gone with Clay and Aisha for all Jensen knew, since he hadn't asked in his haste of getting the hell out of Dodge.

Yeah, he was a crap friend.

Still, being with Jess and Beth made him able to forget that, at least until it was time to sleep and his thoughts were allowed free reign. They were inevitably drawn to Cougar, no matter how hard he tried to keep them from it. And as he lay there, fifth night in a row twisting and turning in Jess' guestroom, he realized exactly how tired he was; how he wished he didn't have to keep it a secret anymore.

And it was coming out anyway, wasn't it? He couldn't run further now and wouldn't it be better to actually explain what was going on rather than letting their friendship wither away and die? He might lose Cougar either way but Cougar was, as previously established, a good guy, so maybe he wouldn't shoot Jensen for something he couldn't control? Not to mention that Cougar deserved better than having Jensen ignore and push him away. It wasn't Cougar's fault but it probably seemed that way.

Jensen sat up in his bed and reached out, pulling his duffle closer. He found the stack of letters without even trying, knowing exactly under which shirt he stored them. He settled back, staring down at the envelopes in his hands. There were so many of them, even if he hadn't been able to write as much lately. He leafed through them, reading the dates at the top, his chest aching when he came to those directly after Bolivia. Those were nasty. Even if he never read them after he finished writing he could still remember some of it – most of it really. He had been so depressed and angry in those letters.

The oldest ones were a bit damaged – wrinkled, stained and the edges of the envelopes worn soft from all the wear and tear they had been submitted to inside Jensen's laptop case and duffle. He had carried them around for almost one and a half years by then. The thought made it a little difficult to breathe. He had been keeping this hidden for seventeen months. He could barely even remember how it had gotten started. It was almost surreal somehow, as if he was clinging to it without even understanding the meaning of it. Why had he always been so sure that Cougar would hate him?

There was the Catholic thing, Jensen remembered, but Cougar had never seemed hateful or particularly narrow minded. DADT wasn't a problem anymore since they weren't in the Army. And the prospect of Cougar hurting Jensen on purpose was actually pretty preposterous now that he thought about it. What it all boiled down to in the end was that Jensen was afraid that if Cougar found out they would be too awkward with each other to remain friends. He was afraid of losing him.

But wasn't that what he was heading towards anyway? From keeping his mouth shut?

Jensen took a slow, trembling breath before reaching for his paper and pen.

  


_I'm starting to think this was all a huge mistake. Okay, perhaps not in the beginning. It's a good thing I kept it quiet while we were still in the Army, but after that? This has been grating on me for so long that I barely recognize what's up and down anymore. I barely even recognize myself._

_How mean do I have to be to put you through this? I started this because I didn't want to burden you with my feelings but that's exactly where we ended up anyway, because I keep holding you at arm's length. I keep pushing you away. I keep refusing to explain things and you have to suffer because of it, because you don't know what's wrong. My feelings are bleeding all over our friendship even if I'm not telling and it's honestly worse than if I had come clean and just admitted it. Because this way you might think it's your fault._

_Fuck. I'm such a fucking idiot, aren't I?_

_I keep making excuses – blame it on your faith, the Army, you getting angry – but in the end it's not about you or the Army. It's about me. It's about my fear. Because I am, Cougar, I am so fucking afraid. I'm afraid that I'll ruin it and that you'll hate me. I'm so blinded by my fear that I don't stop to consider the fact that you might actually be okay with it. I just assume, and that's not very nice of me._

_When I think back on it, the way you smiled at me in the truck, I can't help hoping that you'd find a way to work around this. You'd find a way for us to remain friends. All that care and fondness can't disappear just because you find out that I love you, right? You're not that kind of a guy. You're so much better than that._

_I know that you'll never love me back the same way I love you but you'd make it work, right? I honestly don't care what kind of relationship we have as long as we have one at all. I'll take friendship over losing you entirely, and if telling is the way to go then I will. It scares me, more than anything, but I'll tell if I have to._

_Just... give me some time. I'll do it. I'll tell. Perhaps not next time I see you but soon. I promise. I can't do this anymore and I don't think that you can either._

_I'll tell you. Soon._

  


Jensen couldn't help thinking, when he heard screaming brakes and caught a glimpse of the car speeding towards him as he walked across the street with Jess' grocery bags in his hands, that maybe – just maybe – he should have seen this coming.

And maybe – just maybe – he was going to regret not ever getting the chance to tell Cougar.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, I actually want to apologise for this cliffhanger. The problem was just that I wrote this entire thing and THEN divided it up in to five chapters. So the chapter breaks ended up where it was most convenient. And that happened to be here x'D
> 
> But there's only one chapter left! And you'll get it on Friday! Hang in there!
> 
> As always I want to thank my beta [CarpeDentum](http://archiveofourown.org/users/CarpeDentum).


	5. The Reconciliation

 

* * *

 

Waking up at a hospital was never fun but Jensen was at least pretty certain that he was in better shape than he had been after certain missions. It took him a couple seconds of quiet recollection to remember what had happened – getting hit by a car – and where he was – New Hampshire. He couldn't quite remember when he had blacked out but he knew that he was in the hospital judging on the smell and feel of the place.

His left side and arm hurt something terrible and he noticed, rather acutely, that trying to waggle his fingers was a bad, bad idea. So probably broken then. He still seemed to have his right hand though, which was a blessing. It was difficult to use a keyboard if you didn't have hands. His head was pounding and there was a distinct roll of nausea at the back of his throat, leading him to the conclusion that he had a possible concussion as well. Swell. He'd probably be covered in bruises and small cuts too, but those were the least of his worries.

He blinked his eyes open, seeing nothing but a white, unidentifiable blur that was probably the bland, boring hospital ceiling. It took him an extra second to realize that he wasn't wearing his glasses.

Yes, definitely a concussion.

But it could have been worse. He could have died. He actually felt pretty okay, even if he sincerely hoped that someone was going to come and dope him up soon.

He turned his head to the side, frowning as he spotted a blurry shape to his left that he recognized. Even without his glasses he knew what Cougar's hat looked like.

"Cougs?" His voice might have been a little brittle but it came out clear enough. How long had Jensen been out? What on earth was Cougar doing there?

Jensen assumed that Cougar looked up but it was a little difficult to tell without seeing him properly.

"Uh... glasses?" Jensen waved a little drunkenly towards his own face.

Cougar rose, picking something up from the small bedside table, but instead of handing the glasses over like Jensen had expected him to – he had his right hand at the ready and everything – Cougar stepped in close and slid them onto Jensen's nose himself. Jensen blinked a couple of times until Cougar came into focus and _wow_ how he wished he hadn't done that.

Cougar looked _pissed_.

Jensen's mouth opened and every thought of perhaps asking for something to drink – because his throat was dry enough to shame a desert – flew from his mind as he launched straight into damage control mode instead.

"Alright, I want the record to state that I had no intention of getting hit by a car and I apologize for you getting dragged here on your time off?" he tried a little weakly, not quite sure why Cougar looked like he was inches from doling out divine punishment.

Cougar looked even angrier and it was only when Jensen heard something crinkle and glanced towards Cougar's tightly clenched hand that he understood why. He was holding a piece of paper. Jensen recognized that stationary and he definitely recognized his own handwriting.

 _Oh_.

Jensen went cold.

It felt as if his stomach bottomed out and he tried desperately not to panic. His eyes snapped up to meet Cougar's furious gaze. His letters. Cougar had at least one of his letters and even that was enough to blow it all wide open.

Fuck.

Jensen stopped breathing and a myriad of different impulses flew through his head. He was so dead. Cougar was going to kill him. Cougar looked like he _wanted_ to kill him. Panic took over. It definitely wasn't wise to attempt to flee from Cougar with a broken arm, possibly cracked ribs and a concussion, but that didn't mean that he wasn't going to try.

Cougar caught him before he even got his feet on the floor and pushed him back against the mattress, Jensen hissing in pain as it jostled his sore ribs. But that was his own fault, he knew that. It didn't stop him from squeezing his eyes shut and refusing to open them again. Cougar's hand was pressing down on his shoulder, obviously to keep him from making another escape attempt. Cougar was a smart man.

The hand on his shoulder squeezed and Jensen tried not to flinch.

"You lied." Cougar's voice was thick from anger and what Jensen was pretty sure sounded like betrayal. Jensen swallowed before shaking his head, still keeping his eyes closed.

"No, I just didn't... I couldn't-"

" _No_. You _lied_."

Jensen opened his eyes against better knowledge, frustration and shame burning inside his chest. He cast a glance behind Cougar, feeling his heart sink when he saw the pile of letters on the chair next to Cougar's. About half of them had been opened. Fuck.

"I couldn't tell you!" Jensen replied, desperation crawling up along his spine, settling like a lump in his throat. "I think I explained that pretty clearly in pretty much every single-"

"Bolivia!" Cougar interrupted harshly, eyes flashing. "You promised. You come to me."

Oh. Jensen looked down at the letter Cougar was still holding. Those were the nasty ones. He had said some pretty stupid and mean things while writing those. Jensen licked his dry, cracked lips.

"Uh... I just-... didn't want to bother you and it got better! I promise! I didn't mean all those things I said and it's not your fault. You had your own problems to deal with. Don't feel bad. I'm so, so sorry, Cougar." Jensen was so not ready to have this conversation.

He wasn't even entirely sure what conversation they were having, to tell the truth. If Cougar had gotten to the Bolivia letters it meant that he was no stranger to Jensen's feelings so shouldn't that be what they talked about?

Cougar pulled back – which Jensen's shoulder was thankful for – and snarled something Jensen didn't understand. It took him a moment to identify it as Spanish. More words followed and Jensen blinked in surprise at how _verbal_ Cougar suddenly was. He was practically shouting. In Spanish. Granted that Jensen didn't catch more than a couple of insults and stray phrases – which said quite a lot about Cougar's stance on the matter – and Jensen feebly started fumbling around for some kind of escape. His right hand found the call button and he might have pressed it a little more vigorously than absolutely necessary. Cougar didn't seem to notice.

Jensen's chest was tight with dread and crushed hope. Cougar was _livid_ and Jensen had nothing to say. There was nothing he could say that would make it better. Perhaps he had been wrong in hoping that Cougar would be willing to work around it.

"You trust me?"

It took a second for Jensen to register that Cougar was back to speaking English.

"What? Of course I do!" That wasn't a lie. He might have been worried after Bolivia but Cougar had proven himself time and time again after that.

"Then why not tell me?" Cougar bit out.

Jensen still wasn't entirely sure if they were talking about him being in love with Cougar or him breaking his promise to come to Cougar if he ever felt bad. Jensen sighed, gripping the sheets with his only functional hand.

"I'm sorry." There wasn't much else to say. "I was too afraid."

Some of Cougar's anger seemed to ease but he still looked stubborn and frustrated.

"You should have told me."

Jensen's eyes widened before he started shaking his head, despite how dizzy it made him feel.

"Dude, no! Didn't you read that shit? I knew you would be angry with me!"

Cougar frowned.

"I'm not-"

"Yes, yes you are, Cougar. You think I can't see that? You are so fucking pissed and I'm sorry because I know that this is all my fault. I let it go too far but I want to point out that I was apparently right all along so you shouldn't blame me."

Cougar seemed to want to object but a nurse chose that exact moment to step inside the room and Cougar shut his mouth with an angry glare in Jensen's direction. Jensen ignored him in favor of smiling faintly towards the nurse.

"Mr. Rogers, glad to see that you're awake. You took quite a tumble when that car hit you."

Some of the tension in Jensen's shoulders eased when he got it confirmed that Jess had been smart enough not to give his real name to the hospital. They were supposed to be dead after all and while Jensen had made sure to hide both his and Pooch's families as well as he could to keep Max from pinpointing them he hadn't done so with his own, presumably dead, identity. He should probably look into that, just in case.

The nurse continued to prattle on about Jensen's injuries, either oblivious to or not bothered by the heavy atmosphere in the room. Cougar was just short of pacing and that said quite a lot considering that his job – which he happened to be exceptionally good at – required him to keep absolutely still even under unimaginable pressure. This somehow trumped that.

Jensen nodded along with all the things the nurse was saying, secretly praying that she would stay for the rest of the day so that he wouldn't have to continue talking to Cougar. Everything was so fucked up. Jensen had almost managed to convince himself that telling would have been a good idea but that was clearly not the case. Then again, if Cougar had found out under different circumstances it might have been less of a shock. Either way Jensen couldn't stay there.

Cougar seemed to be reading his mind if the warning look Jensen received was anything to go by. Too bad Cougar had apparently promised to let Jess know when Jensen woke up and had to step outside to make that call. Because if Cougar thought that Jensen wasn't able to sneak away from right under his nose while having a broken arm, cracked ribs and a concussion, well, then Cougar was clearly underestimating Jensen's capabilities when he was desperate.

Cougar was in for a big surprise, in other words.

It wasn't easy though, getting out from his room and sneakily stealing more appropriate clothes from the staff's dressing rooms while remaining undetected and trying not to wince too much as soon as he bent in a way that caused his ribs to throb. His entire body hurt, as a matter of fact, since he had left before the nurse had been able to return with something for the pain. He really wished he had stuck around for that but he had two minutes tops to get away before Cougar would be returning and Jensen prioritized freedom over drugs.

He was a sad, limping mess when he slipped out the back door, keeping close to the walls to avoid being seen from the windows. Cougar was probably on to him by then.

The first thing Jensen did as soon as he had taken a cab halfway across town, then switched cabs and ended up in another part of town, was to pickpocket a phone and call his sister. She had a lot of explaining to do.

Her greeting was hesitant, probably because she didn't recognize the number.

"Yes?"

Jensen didn't waste time.

"What is Cougar doing here?"

Jess sighed heavily, which Jensen thought she had no right to do. He was the one who had just had his life ruined and was hiding at a McDonald's in a plain white shirt at least one size too small. In combination with the bruises, the cast on his arm and the furious look on his face people were giving him a pretty wide berth.

"You got hit by a car and ended up in the hospital!" Jess exclaimed, as if it was totally reasonable that this somehow resulted in Cougar showing up and reading the letters Jensen had successfully hidden from him for seventeen months. "I had to call someone. It's not my fault you have him on speed dial."

Jensen wished that his left hand wasn't in a cast so that he would have been able to pinch the bridge of his nose.

"That still doesn't explain why he's _here_ ," he ground out through clenched teeth.

"Well, I imagine it's because he cares about you, since, you know, _you are in the hospital_."

"Was," he corrected automatically.

A brief, loaded pause.

"... excuse me?" Jess' tone was low, dark and very dangerous. Jensen cleared his throat a little nervously. This was not going to go over well.

"I checked out. Kinda."

Not at all, actually. He hadn't signed as much as a Post-it note and people had to be freaking out by then. Cougar was probably only a small step away from murder.

"Jesus Christ, Jake! Is Cougar with you?" Jess demanded to know. Jensen's silence was rather telling. Jess seemed to take a barely calming breath. "Alright, did you at least _tell_ Cougar that you were leaving?"

Again, the silence really said it all and Jess groaned out loud.

"Oh for Heaven's sake, you are like a five year old!" she hissed angrily. "Beth has more balls than you do! Stop fleeing!"

"I'm not fleeing!" Jensen defended indignantly, even if she might be right. It was the principle of the thing. "It's just not safe to stay at a hospital. Need I remind you that I'm officially _dead_?"

"No, Jake, trust me when I say that I know that all too well," she replied bitterly, causing a slight sting in Jensen's chest. He had never wanted this for them. She kept going. "And what was I supposed to do? Drag you into the garage and leave you there to rot?"

"All things considered? Probably, yeah. How did you even know-"

"I went through your stuff, you idiot. You have like four fake ID's, which reminds me – why on earth did you pick Steve Rogers, born the 4th of July for one of them? You're not even a captain."

Jensen felt his cheeks heat.

"I was drunk and it seemed like a good idea at the time!" he snapped, trying not to raise his voice enough to disturb the people around him, but it was a bit difficult considering what they were discussing. So what if Jensen wouldn't mind being Captain America for a day?

"Don't give me any shit," he continued, "you apparently saw it fit to give it to the hospital!"

"Okay, so maybe it makes me giggle. Sue me," she deadpanned. "And speaking of the hospital – why the hell did you think it was wise to leave? You have two cracked ribs, a broken arm and a serious concussion."

"I've had worse."

Which was, sadly enough, the truth.

"Only you would be able to grow a backbone with the single purpose of being a coward, Jake."

"Hey! I take offense to that!" he protested.

"Oh yeah? You know someone else who might take offense?" she practically spat. "Cougar, that's who."

Jensen didn't quite understand why she was so angry. This really didn't concern her.

"Why are you on his side in this? You're _my_ sister – although right now not a very good one, I'll have you know," he replied sullenly while glaring at his cast. It sucked only having one hand. "Cougar isn't even supposed to be here. And why does he have my letters?"

While Jensen might have started considering telling Cougar about his feelings he sure as hell hadn't planned to show him the letters. Those were far too revealing considering how honest Jensen had been when he wrote them.

Jess sighed.

"Because they're obviously _to_ him."

Jensen felt a flash of anger.

"But he was never meant to actually _read_ them! I thought he would have more respect for my privacy-"

"Whoa, whoa. Stop right there," Jess interrupted. "This is not Cougar's fault. _I_ was the one who found them, okay? I was going through your stuff to find some kind of identification I could bring to the hospital and they fell out from your duffle. Beth was with me and she recognized the stationary so she thought they were for her, you hear me? So she opened one."

Jensen stiffened.

"Oh God... did she read it?" he asked in horror. "Please tell me she didn't read it."

"She didn't get far. She just managed to catch something about you loving Cougar's smile or whatever."

Jensen almost groaned and would have leaned forward to hide his face against his cast if he could have, but his ribs wouldn't let him. This was embarrassing.

"And then we had to let your pals know what was going on and Cougar obviously wanted to come here and check on you in person. Beth – ever the believer in true love – started babbling about the love letters before I could stop her."

"So you figured that _giving them_ to him was a good idea?"

On second thought, embarrassment wasn't a strong enough a word to describe what Jensen was feeling at that moment. Mortification was more like it.

"Well, the cat was already out of the bag, right?" Jensen could imagine Jess shrugging. "He actually refused at first so don't put this on him, Jake."

Okay, Jensen could admit that sounded more like Cougar. He always tried to remain respectful about people's personal space.

"This still doesn't explain how he ended up actually reading them, because he was halfway through when I woke up," Jensen said, suddenly feeling indescribably tired. Possibly because he should, in all honesty, still be at the hospital.

"I showed him how many there were. And the dates," Jess answered, a little quieter this time. As if she could hear the change in Jensen's voice. "Seriously, Jake, you've been in love with him for eighteen months and you've never told him? Or me for that matter. You can't blame us for being baffled."

Jensen had no idea he had been that good at hiding it. He always figured that he was teetering just on the edge of showing too much.

"I mean, you were a little handsy with him, I'll give you that, and then there was the grocery shopping, playing with Beth and how you brightened every time he stepped into the room and-" Jess fell silent. "Oh dear _God_. How could I have _missed it_? You were so bloody obvious! You were just-... you should have said something."

"No." Jensen was adamant on that now.

"Why not?"

"Because I knew that this was what was going to happen! And I can't-... He's going to hate me now, Jess. He looked _so angry_ when I woke up. And if it makes me a coward that I fled before he could kill me then yeah, fine, I _am_ a coward."

"Give him some credit, Jake. You've had a year to adjust – he's had like a day," Jess pointed out, admittedly not without reason.

"He's mad at me, Jess!" Jensen argued. "Cougar is never mad at me!"

"Perhaps it's because you _lied_ for a year?"

It felt like a slap. She sounded so much like Cougar when she said that.

"No, I did not lie." Jensen could hear his own voice sharpening. "I just didn't tell him the truth – for his own protection, I might add. DADT was still a very real threat and-"

"Jake, you're just making up excuses. The man deserves to know."

"And now he apparently does!" he shouted, not caring that it caused the people around him to recoil. He would be leaving soon anyway. "And he was pissed, Jess, so fucking pissed. He could barely look at me, even less _talk_ -"

"It's _Cougar_. You expect him to be verbal?"

"Just shut the fuck up, Jess!" he snapped, getting up from his seat and limping towards the door, knowing that the staff would probably throw him out otherwise. "I know you wanted to help, alright? I get that, I do, but this wasn't the way. He fucking _hates me_."

"Jake, sweetheart-"

"Don't sweetheart me!" he barked, ignoring how sad she sounded. He knew it was stupid to be this mad at her but he couldn't help it. "I kept this from him because I knew that it would change things between us and I didn't want that. I treasure his friendship more than I'd be willing to risk it on the off chance that he likes me back – which he apparently doesn't." He sucked in a sharp, aching breath as he stepped out onto the street. He closed his eyes. "And I always knew that. So I never told him. But now he knows and I just..."

He could feel himself deflate.

"Jake..."

He cleared his throat, forcing himself to start trudging along the sidewalk.

"I just can't, Jessica. I can't see that look in his eyes again. He wasn't supposed to know." He couldn't help sounding absolutely miserable. Because he was. This was all so fucked up.

"Jake, I'm sure that if you just talked about it-" She stopped abruptly but Jensen wasn't paying attention. He was focusing on putting one foot in front of the other without toppling over from the pain. When she picked up again he could hear a slight tinge of desperation. "Hang on, he just came through the door. I'll give him the phone and you can-"

Jensen hung up.

Despite what Jess thought Jensen had every intention of talking to Cougar. He just needed to calm down first and get a chance to gather his thoughts. Because waking up from getting hit by a car and immediately being thrown straight into the most feared conversation of his entire life was simply more than he could handle. And if Cougar had been less upset he would probably have realized that too and not pushed as hard.

So Jensen took a couple of hours to let it all settle.

Cougar knew. Cougar had probably finished reading all the letters by then. Jensen tried to decide what he felt about that.

Fear, definitely.

Anxiety, because he didn't know what would come next.

Relief.

It wasn't a secret anymore. Whatever happened from this point on Jensen knew that he wouldn't have to keep it hidden. It felt surprisingly good.

That didn't stop him from swallowing hard when he finally dared to step onto Jess' porch, tired, hungry and in so much pain that he just wanted to sleep for hours. He knew he wouldn't get to do that yet though. Even if he might have had the time to calm down there was no telling what Cougar would be feeling. But they needed to straighten things out, Jensen was fully aware of that.

Beth squealed when he stepped inside the hallway.

"Uncle Jake! You're back from the hospital!" Jensen was barely able to stifle a groan when she wrapped her arms around his waist and squeezed. It wasn't her fault though, since she didn't know about his ribs. "Mom said that we were going to visit you today but then we couldn't because you had already left. Why did it take you so long to get home? Did you get lost?" she asked, her nose wrinkling adorably.

Jensen smiled a little helplessly, stroking her hair, but before he had time to say anything Jess came barging into the hallway.

"Come on, honey, we're getting pizza!" she exclaimed, sounding awfully cheerful despite the mean look she pinned Jensen with. At least she didn't hit him with a lamp this time.

"We are?" Beth sounded confused, but also hopeful because who didn't want pizza? Jensen sure wanted pizza, preferably laced with morphine.

"Yes, to celebrate that Uncle Jake is out of the hospital. Now hurry and get your jacket. We need to get going."

Jensen could barely keep a straight face. He knew what she was up to.

"Smooth, sis, very smooth."

"Oh shut it," she hissed, narrowing her eyes. "He's in the kitchen. _Talk_ to him, Jake, or so help me God I will ground you both."

Jensen wasn't going to argue and raised his hands – well, _hand_ , he couldn't move his cast all that much without also hurting his side – in surrender. She nodded firmly before shooing a delighted Beth out of the house.

"You forgot to ask me what I want on my pizza!" Jensen called after her and Jess, ever the charmer, flipped him the bird over her shoulder, but only after making sure that Beth was looking in the other direction. "Love you too!"

Jensen waved to Beth before closing the door and leaning his head against it. He needed all the strength he could get for this. But the sooner he got it over with the sooner he could sleep, so he took a slow breath – as big a one as he dared with his ribs – and straightened. It felt like walking to his own execution as he made his way towards the kitchen.

Cougar was there, like Jess had said, the small of his back leaning against one of the kitchen counters and arms crossed loosely over his chest. He looked so effortlessly attractive that Jensen wanted to throw a shoe at him. It was so unfair.

When Cougar looked up Jensen automatically felt his spine straighten, even if Cougar looked calm and composed rather than angry. As if he was waiting for Jensen's move. Jensen was just glad that he didn't seem upset anymore. It had been pretty scary.

"Hi."

That was a good start, right? Jensen cleared his throat and glanced down at his feet when Cougar raised a subtle but still very telling eyebrow.

"Okay." He exhaled before looking up again, forcing a smile. "You've read them all?"

Cougar's gaze felt heavy but Jensen had a hard time deciding whether that was good or bad. Eventually Cougar nodded, the brim of his hat shielding his eyes almost entirely.

"Alright. Then I guess you know everything." Jensen wasn't sure if there was anything he could add. Not when he had already said it all in those letters.

"No, not everything."

Jensen couldn't help looking surprised. What could he possibly have forgotten? Cougar rolled his eyes at Jensen's confused expression and while he wasn't proud over it Jensen couldn't help flinching back when Cougar pushed off from the counter. Cougar stilled immediately, his eyes narrowing slowly, jaw clenching.

"I wouldn't," Cougar said roughly and had Jensen been anyone else he probably wouldn't have understood what Cougar was talking about. Jensen swallowed.

"Yeah. I-... I know that." And he kind of did. Cougar wouldn't hurt him, but it was still a reflex that was hard to overcome when he felt pressured or uncomfortable.

To prove himself right Jensen stayed put when Cougar took a couple of cautious steps towards him, as if Jensen was a spooked horse he didn't want to scare. Not entirely without reason, Jensen supposed. He did feel pretty skittish, especially when Cougar didn't stop until they were well within touching distance.

Cougar looked up and while his expression was grave his voice was almost soft.

"You should have told me."

Jensen felt his heart clench. He looked down and shook his head, unable to meet Cougar's gaze. To his immense surprise Cougar continued before Jensen even got a word in.

"Yes, you should have," Cougar persisted, and Jensen jumped when he felt a hand on his arm. Which in turn caused him to hiss in pain because, yeah, _ribs_. Cougar mumbled something possibly soothing in Spanish and there it was again – the hand on the side of Jensen's neck.

He forgot how to breathe.

"Jake, I don't hate you." Cougar sounded like he meant it. Then again, Cougar always sounded like he meant what he said. It was his thing.

Jensen was still trying to figure out how to breathe, let alone _speak_ , with Cougar's hand against his bare skin. The fact that Cougar's thumb seemed to rest against Jensen's pulse was only making things worse. He had been expecting a confrontation but this seemed more like a reconciliation. A very handsy reconciliation.

"You should have told me," Cougar said firmly – pointedly – as if he was waiting for Jensen to catch on to some hidden meaning, which, really, was pretty fucking optimistic of him because Jensen could barely think with Cougar that close. He had spent over a year hopelessly in love with the guy and never had he dared to hope for something like this, however innocent it might be.

But when Jensen thought about it he realized that perhaps that was what Cougar was getting at. It _wasn't_ innocent or platonic. The hand on his neck slipped a little higher and it was closer to a caress than any touch Cougar had ever submitted him to.

Jensen's mind went blank.

"Is it just me or is this conversation taking a turn I totally wasn't expecting and still can't quite grasp because _fuck me_ are you saying what I think you're saying and if so, can you help me and tell me how to react because I am so out of my depth here?"

Cougar snorted out a chuckle and even that managed to be attractive somehow. The bastard. He didn't seem angry at all and Jensen tried to figure out if he was dreaming or had taken a wrong turn and ended up in a parallel universe somehow.

" _Deberías guardar silencio_."

Jensen swallowed nervously.

"Alright, I'm pretty sure that means shut up but I'm not-"

Cougar reached up and kissed him.

Even with the vague confirmation that that was where they had been heading Jensen's mind blacked out completely. Then again, it might not have anything to do with shock as much as it did the fact that Cougar was kissing him.

It wasn't a deep kiss – Cougar's hat still stayed on – but that could have been partly because Jensen was too baffled to really give the appropriate kind of response. When Cougar pulled back Jensen blinked twice, his mouth moving without any sound coming out. Cougar just looked amused.

"As much as I hate to admit it I have no idea what just happened," Jensen blurted out in a rush before sucking in a sharp breath.

Cougar raised a meaningful eyebrow.

"Not _that_ , Cougar," Jensen amended. "I just mean that there's quite a jump between 'I don't hate you' to 'hey, let's make out, yeah?'"

Cougar shrugged, as if it was no big deal. Jensen frowned.

"No, no, I actually think that I deserve an explanation here. Because I've been carrying this around for seventeen months and you were really pissed at the hospital when you found out but now we're kissing. Not that I'm complaining, don't get me wrong here, we should totally do that again, but-"

Cougar kissed him again.

Jensen's indignant grumble got smothered against Cougar's lips and it actually took him a second to realize what an idiot he was – that he still wasn't kissing back. But before he had time to rectify that Cougar had pulled away again, his hands framing Jensen's face, shaking him softly.

"You should have told me."

Jensen frowned.

"You know, repeating that over and over again isn't going to make me-"

And then he got it.

" _Oh_." Jensen's eyes widened. Was Cougar saying what he thought he was saying? "No."

" _Sí_."

"What? Really?" He couldn't believe it.

" _Sí_."

"No way. Since when?"

Cougar rolled his eyes, one of his hands slipping down to Jensen's shoulder instead.

"Long enough."

"Are you trying to tell me that all this time I could have-... I mean, _we_ could have-...?"

Cougar nodded. Jensen wanted to whine. All this suffering for nothing?

"Cougar," Jensen moaned, "I'm an idiot."

" _Sí_."

"But wait... what about the hospital? You were really pissed back then and I thought it had to do with, you know." Jensen waved his hand a little in the universal gesture that seemed to accompany those words and mean everything and nothing at the same time.

"I was," Cougar replied with a nod. "About Bolivia."

Jensen couldn't believe they were still stuck on that thing. He sighed and did his best not to jostle his ribs in the process.

"I told you, I didn't mean all the things I wrote and I got over it."

Cougar's lips pressed into a thin line and Jensen struggled with his need to apologize. He wasn't sure what for but he didn't want Cougar to look at him like that.

"You promised. You come to me."

Jensen opened his mouth to protest but the look in Cougar's eyes made him shut it again with a clack. Okay, so what Cougar was mad about was the broken promise and Jensen suffering in silence. Check. He could work with that.

Jensen smiled, a little tentative and a little weak but it was a smile.

"I know you have my back, Cougs. I won't doubt that again."

Cougar nodded once, firmly, and Jensen felt his smile widen. He might still not be clear on all the details – like how on earth he was lucky enough to have Cougar return his feelings – but he sure as hell had every intention of appreciating what he had been given.

So without further ado Jensen flicked Cougar's hat off his head, let his hand curl around Cougar's neck and pulled him in for a thorough kiss – all in less time than it took for Cougar to start hissing about the brutal treatment of his most favored possession.

Cougar's hair was twisted around his fingers, his own heart beating out a rapid tattoo in his chest, and Jensen was pretty sure that the only thing that could possibly top the feeling of happiness welling up inside of him was the joy he had felt when Beth was born. It was that kind of level of awesomeness.

The kiss wasn't hesitant or brief this time and Jensen felt himself hum in pleasure. Or it might actually have been Cougar. Jensen didn't really care either way because he was far too busy devouring Cougar's lips now that he finally – fucking _finally_ – could. Cougar tasted so nice and responded to every little tilt and tremble with such ease that it felt like they were meant for this. Jensen finally got to kiss Cougar, and it was exactly how he wanted it to be.

 

 

Well, not really. The cast on his left arm made it a little awkward and when Jensen made a move to push closer a sharp pain laced through his side and he was forced to gasp for breath instead. Cougar pulled back immediately, hands stabilizing without making it worse.

"Ow... just, _ow_." Jensen gritted his teeth. "Sorry. Not very sexy, I know."

Cougar gave him an amused look that seemed to say that sexy wasn't exactly how he would describe Jensen even on his good days. Jensen would have been insulted if he wasn't feeling so goddamn giddy about the whole thing.

"I think I need painkillers. A lot of them. And rest," Jensen admitted regretfully. "As much as it pains me, no pun intended, I really am about to crash because yeah, I might have taken off from the hospital a little prematurely."

Cougar raised a sarcastic eyebrow.

"Yeah, yeah, you can bitch about it later. Just help me get to my bed without running into anything, okay?"

Cougar smiled, exasperated and fond – which seemed to be one of his standard expressions by then – before reaching up and giving Jensen a brief but sweet kiss. He paused only long enough to pick his hat up from the floor before he was steering Jensen towards the guestroom with firm but gentle insistence. Jensen went along, docile and quiet for possibly the first time in his life, but that might have been because Cougar's hand was warm and comforting on his back, offering a sense of security only he could.

"Hey, Cougs? I know you know this already but I love you."

It was completely different saying it out loud. Jensen felt a rush of both joy and sudden nerves, but more than anything he felt relieved. He could actually say it out loud without having to fear death, dishonorable discharge or bodily harm.

Cougar leaned in closer and still managed to be mindful of Jensen's injuries.

" _Yo también te amo_."

Jensen felt a delighted flutter in his stomach when those words were whispered close, oh so close, to his ear, and he couldn't help grinning like a fool.

"'Amo' means you love me too, right?"

That earned him a low, warm chuckle.

" _Sí_ , it does."

Jensen was practically beaming.

"Awesome."

Cougar just shook his head and continued pushing Jensen towards the guestroom.

**EPILOGUE**

 

_Sometimes when I wake up there's this split second where I think it was all just a dream. I turn over in bed and there's only me there, so for a horrifying moment I think I just made it up and that all of those things never happened. Destroying the snukes. Finding Max. Aisha putting a bullet – or five – in his head. You and me._

_The last one scares me the most. Because if that's just a dream I think I'll rather stay blissfully unaware. I'd gladly take those imaginary two years as truth rather than finding out it was all just a dream, because despite the hardships – don't get me started on what happened in Chicago – and all the time and effort it took to finally get rid of Max, well, it gave me you. Somewhere along the way you were masochistic enough to fall in love with me and once I finally got that not a second has gone to waste._

_Well, except maybe that time in Saint Petersburg when you broke one of my flashdrives and I didn't speak to you for two hours. But I still maintain that I was well within my right to pout._

_Either way, there are times when I fear that it wasn't real, simply because it seems too good to be true. Not that it was easy, but the result is better than I ever dared to dream of. Granted that we can't visit Jess and Beth as much as I would like because it's still vital to keep a low profile, but I have you._

_That initial fear when I wake up alone usually eases when I notice that my clothes aren't the only ones scattered around the bedroom. The rifle case in the corner settles it. That's when I remember that you probably just got up before me – as you usually do, just like I often go to bed after you. And I know that once I finally do drag myself out of bed you're usually not far. Or possibly at work, but that's still just a phone call away._

_And when I finally do remember all this, man, you have no idea how grateful I am. I feel like I shouldn't be this lucky – that I don't deserve all this happiness – but you don't seem to give a damn. You just never doubt it, do you? It's as if you are sure, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that we belong together, so you never second guess it. I see it in your eyes, you know; the certainty and the conviction. It's humbling and flattering and I can't believe that I didn't see it before, because it's been there a long time, hasn't it? Or, as you would put it, long enough._

_But I see it now. And I know what it means – I know what you're trying to say with it. I am so fucking lucky, Cougs, that on some days I just can't stop smiling. I have you, Jess, Beth and while the team has sort of split up and Aisha hasn't been heard from again I know I have them too. It's so much better than I dreamed of, even if we're still technically dead and living under false names and all that. But I can manage. I'm happy. It's all awesome._

_And I still love you. Doubt I'll ever stop doing that, to tell the truth. I mean, we've had our fights – mostly my fault – and you are one territorial bastard – that girl back in Chicago really wasn't hitting on me – but I wouldn't change it for the world._

_I love you, Cougar. And the way you smile at me lets me know you love me too._

_PS. We're out of milk and Pop-Tarts so I'm going to the store. Call me if you get back before I do and we need something else._

_PPS. I'm also buying another notepad because I've used this one up already._

_PPPS. But really, it's okay, because I found your stash the other day and I know that you keep every single one of the letters I write to you._

_PPPPS. You are such a softie, Cougs, and I love you for it. Always. I love you._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaaand we're done! :D I hope you enjoyed the ride - I know for a fact that I did - and thank you so much for reading and the kind reception into this new exciting fandom! I will definitely write more for The Losers (one fic is almost finished, as a matter of fact) so you'll probably see me again ;)
> 
> A thank you to my beta [CarpeDentum](http://archiveofourown.org/users/CarpeDentum) and once again the lovely [Jujitsuelf](http://archiveofourown.org/users/jujitsuelf) for being so supportive and helpful! I was so lucky to find your prompt and I hope that you will like what came out of it!
> 
> Feel free to drop by my [Tumblr](http://amethystinawrites.tumblr.com/)! Also, you can find the art from this chapter [HERE](http://lienwyn.tumblr.com/post/116231302751/i-asked-people-over-at-my-writing-tumblr-what)!


	6. Bonus Chapter - Chicago

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is what happens when a very kind commenter - going by the name of Frank - asked about Chicago (mentioned briefly in the epilogue) and what exactly made Cougar so jealous. I've always known - since that's the way I am - so I figured that I might as well write it down as an extra chapter for you lovelies, aaaaand that ended up being 7 000 words.
> 
> So, for those of you who might have wondered: This is what happened in Chicago.

 

* * *

 

Jensen honestly had no idea how he had ended up in this situation. Although that might not be entirely true since he could technically trace it back to the moment he stepped inside that bar earlier that night. Or wait, no, on second thought he really had no idea. It didn't make much sense how he could end up cuffed to a chair without his glasses and blood trickling sluggishly from a cut on his forehead just because he talked to a girl.

Literally just talked to her.

It wasn't her fault. She wasn't even remotely connected to the people that that had stuck Jensen in that chair, leaving him with a cramp in his leg, a kink in his neck and a killer headache. But it was the insistent tickle in his nose that really tipped the scale towards unbearable torture.

He would kill just to get rid of that. Seriously.

Everything seemed to be going according to plan at the beginning. They arrived in Chicago with their goal set on trying to pinpoint what connections Max had to Atlas Industries, a company that, much like Goliath, had a finger in pretty much every pie involving things technological.

Ever since a year back when they had hit Goliath Max had been spreading out his projects, making them more difficult to trace but also less easy to manage, and Jensen had kept his feelers out for any kind of suspicious activity. There were no guarantees that they were actually on the right track since they had less to work with now than they had had when they infiltrated Goliath, but Clay was, in Jensen's opinion, getting a tad bit desperate.

If Roque thought that they were slipping when stuck in Bolivia he should have seen them now.

They might have won several of the battles against Max McSuperspook but they had been at it for over a year by then and were still no closer to clearing their names. It was becoming apparent that they never would. Killing Max would be the closest they would get to retribution and it was obvious that some of them might not feel that that was worth all the time they poured into the chase.

Despite the time they got to spend with their respective families revenge didn't really seem as important to anyone but Aisha and Clay. Pooch would much rather be with Jolene and his Pooch pup – which Jensen had complete understanding for because who the fuck wanted their kid to grow up without them? – and Jensen and Cougar, well, they were just getting tired. Cougar in particular.

Jensen knew that he would never say so because Cougar was loyal to a fault and felt that he couldn't leave the team, but Jensen knew him. Jensen saw it. Cougar couldn't hide it from him but Jensen knew better than to bring it up. He didn't want to make Cougar feel bad about it, not when he would never actually act on it and do anything that could potentially mean failing Clay or compromising the mission.

Loyalty was the only thing holding them together at that point.

So Jensen was understandably lukewarm about the whole situation when he set up a comms channel for them that night. The only bright part of his evening was that Cougar had decided to share Jensen's personal space with him and if he could have gotten away with doing his preparations flat on his back with his head in Cougar's lap he totally would have. But he needed slightly better control of his limbs than that offered so he had to settle for hooking his foot around Cougar's and feeling their elbows brush as soon as either of them moved.

Most of the time both of them kept things fairly decent while in public – not that Jensen cared because he had never had much shame to begin with – but behind closed doors all bets were off. True to Jensen's habit of throwing himself into things head first there had never really been a hesitant, awkward phase in their relationship, possibly because they were already so in tune with each other that they could practically have been considered married for several months already.

Jensen loved it. And he was pretty certain that Cougar did as well.

Jensen still wrote letters every now and then – sometimes they were just notes – but he couldn't help appreciating how easy it was to express his feelings that way. They felt so real when he could see them in front of him, spelled out in neat lines on a piece of paper for Cougar to read.

That was the difference this time around; Cougar actually got to read them.

Jensen usually slid them under Cougar's pillow or hid them inside his rifle case – places where he wouldn't find them immediately but definitely sooner or later – and Jensen always felt a little giddy and nervous whenever Cougar slipped away to read them.

Cougar seemed to prefer to do it in private.

But Jensen always got a firm, lingering kiss when Cougar came back and Jensen couldn't help grinning like a dork every single time, mostly because of the look in Cougar's eyes. He looked like Jensen had given him everything he could ever wish for in those moments. It was addicting.

As was the kiss Jensen had a habit of demanding before they began any of their missions. He figured that if either of them didn't make it they didn't have to look too far back to remember something nice and heartwarming in their dying moments.

Not to mention that Jensen took every opportunity to kiss Cougar that he could find.

That night it was unlikely that things would escalate towards violence but Jensen still pulled Cougar close, nudging the hat out of the way and letting his hands wander into Cougar's hair before leaning in for a slow, indulgent kiss. Cougar, as always, responded in kind.

It was only when Pooch cleared his throat loud enough to make Aisha snort from amusement that Jensen pulled back, grinning wildly. He was so fucking happy. But yeah, focusing on the mission was a good idea.

They had been in Chicago for three days by then, checking out Atlas Industries through various different channels – Jensen digitally and Aisha and Pooch more manually – and the conclusion they had reached was that without a direct route and unrestricted access to the company's mainframe they would have a hard time finding any signs of Max.

That meant that the easiest method would be to use an employee's computer or account, but considering their strategy at Goliath it was safe to assume that Jensen's face – no matter what disguises he might adopt – would be recognized. Even if the regular guards might not be aware of what they bosses were doing Max would have to be stupid not to have tried to sharpen the security guarding his investments and at least circulated some photos.

So sneaking in was out but Jensen could still do it with the right kind of access. Which was what lead them to the bar that one of Atlas Industries' managers frequented. Stealing Frank Brandt's username and password wasn't very likely unless he was stupid enough to keep them written down, but Jensen could go through his home computer which had a connection to the mainframe; provided that they gained access to Brandt's apartment. Which was a little bit trickier than expected considering the electronic keycards needed at far too many places to make breaking in an efficient endeavor. And anything else – like causing a blackout, scramble the security system or do some good old fashioned violence – would be too eye-catching.

Cue Aisha in a tight red dress at the man's favorite establishment.

Jensen almost felt bad for the guy, but only almost.

Aisha would do her thing where she somehow managed to be both tempting and completely untouchable at the same time while subtly pickpocket the required keycard. But it didn't end there, oh no, because of course any stolen or lost card would be immediately blocked once reported, which meant that their only option was to copy the card there on the spot and return it. All while passing unnoticed somehow.

Jensen walked in when Aisha had already slid down next to her target and had proceeded to charm, lie and cheat her way well into Brandt's personal space. Cougar's taste still lingered on Jensen's lips, which might have been why he smiled as he sat down at the bar, ordering himself a generic beer. He wouldn't usual be so conforming but it had been decided – by their grumpy, fearless leader – that Jensen should downplay his dazzling personality that night.

Hence the boring, normal clothes he wore. Even the messenger bag he had slung over his shoulder – containing the electronics he needed to copy the card – was depressingly plain. But he could endure, since he knew that the mission relied on efficiency, meaning that he wouldn't have to suffer long.

Like expected it was only another fifteen minutes before Aisha was able to procure the keycard and being damn subtle while doing so, Jensen might add, since he hadn't even seen the move. He just knew she had managed when Cougar, who had been sitting two tables down from Aisha and her mark, got to his feet, seemingly to get another drink from the bar.

Jensen didn't see the keycard exchange hands but he sure as hell felt how Cougar slipped it inside Jensen's back pocket, mostly because he did so with a lot more fondling than strictly necessary. Jensen felt that his ability to keep a straight face and not jump in surprise showed a great deal of restraint.

If it wasn't because they pretended not to know each other he would have shot Cougar a dirty look. Now was definitely not the time to get Jensen horny. He became whiny when he was horny and none of them wanted that.

Jensen waited two minutes before he pushed off from the bar, heading towards the bathroom, quietly counting down inside his head, knowing that Aisha would be doing the same. Everything relied on timing and Jensen had about four minutes to get the information needed from the card before Aisha would excuse herself to the ladies' room and Jensen had to be prepared to slip her the card so she could return it.

Despite Jensen's assurances that he could manage in two and a half minutes if needed Clay had decided that they could give him four.

So Jensen didn't hurry as he made his way towards the men's room and locked himself into a stall, not wanting to seem suspiciously eager to get there if he could help it. It was when he had at least an illusion of privacy that he got to work, quickly pulling out what he would need to copy the card.

The process itself was rather boring since it consisted mostly of him waiting for the gadgets to do their thing. Jensen was still counting down inside his head and had much time to spare when his tiny little screen told him that the transfer was complete.

Jensen took his time putting his things back into his bag, knowing that he had a couple of extra seconds before he needed to get moving. He couldn't help smiling to himself, already looking forward to the post-mission rush he knew awaited them all. Cougar was always particularly generous in bed whenever he was in that mood and Jensen was not going to miss out on that for the world.

Handing the card to Aisha worked without a hitch and Jensen returned to his place by the bar, throwing a subtle eye towards Brandt. While Aisha was away it was up to Jensen and Cougar to make sure that the guy didn't notice the missing keycard.

Jensen was so focused on that that he didn't realize that the woman who took a seat next to him was actually looking at _him_. He even jumped, unmistakably startled, when she addressed him with an inviting smile on her lips.

"Hi, there."

Jensen blinked stupidly a couple of times, his brain stalling rather embarrassingly when he tried to catch up to the sudden shift from serious mission to casual socializing. That had never been a strong suit of his, just like improvising conversations with women was way beyond his reach.

"Uh... hi," he replied lamely, trying to figure out what the hell was going on.

She smiled, bizarrely enough encouraged by his response, and turned towards him on her chair. She was pretty. Which only served to make Jensen more awkward.

"You looked a little lonely."

Jensen cleared his throat nervously, trying to ignore Clay and Pooch's confused – and fairly surprised – comments over the comms. They had obviously not expected a woman to walk up and start talking to Jensen of all people.

Jensen understood how they were feeling.

"I-... uh... did I?"

How come he had ever wondered why he didn't get any girls? He was a total disaster and couldn't help throwing a quick glance towards Cougar, which turned out to be a bad, bad idea. Not that Cougar did anything but that was exactly the problem. His expression was completely blank even if he was looking straight at Jensen and the woman who obviously found Jensen's stuttering charming enough to make her laugh. Perhaps she had a thing for idiots?

Jensen's gaze snapped back to her when she spoke up again.

"Yes, you look very lost."

Jensen swallowed.

"That's because I feel pretty lost right now," he admitted without thinking.

Jensen was vaguely aware of Aisha returning from the bathroom, which made him relax a fraction since that meant that the mission would soon be over. He had no doubt that she would pull off the last step of the plan with flawless perfection, as most other things she did.

"How come?"

Jensen had to think for a second before he realized what the woman in front of him meant, distracted by Pooch's barely contained laugh in his ear and Clay's dry comment about the odds of Jensen running into a girl willing to flirt with him without getting paid first.

Jensen was honestly too confused to take offense, mostly because he was still trying to process what was going on. Clay was right. What were the odds that Jensen would actually run into a woman who would not only attempt to flirt with him but take the first step, no less?

It seemed like a statistical improbability.

"I'm just-... a little confused, that's all." Jensen was trying to remember all the tacky lines he had always managed to scare women off with in the past but for some reason not a single one came to mind.

"No need for that. My name is Heather," she continued easily, smile still in place.

"Uh... Jake."

Jensen nearly winced when he realized that he had given her his real name. That was beyond stupid. If he _had_ to give her a name he could at least have made sure to make it a false one.

"You should relax, Jake, I don't-"

Jensen couldn't tell if he or she was the most surprised when her hand – that she had been reaching towards him with – was caught long before it even came close to touching his arm. Jensen almost jumped when he realized whose fingers were wrapped around Heather's wrist and exactly why she had stopped talking.

Cougar.

Jensen hadn't even seen him coming.

But there he was, staring at Heather with a deceptively calm look on his face but his eyes, oh boy, they spelled out death and murder in so many languages that Jensen would have been impressed if he hadn't been so terrified.

Shit. Fuck. Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

They couldn't risk causing a scene, not with Aisha still with their target, and this was clearly catching people's attention. Cougar might be completely still, barely even breathing from what Jensen could tell, but there was no mistaking the seriously pissed off vibes he was emitting.

Heather had paled in obvious fear – with good reason.

Jensen hastily got to his feet, reaching out and peeling Cougar's fingers away from Heather's wrist while giving her a nervous, apologetic smile.

"Sorry, but I need to go. Have a nice evening."

And with that he turned, dragging Cougar with him towards the door. Jensen half expected Cougar to resist or at the very least object but that was not the case, at least not until they were outside the door and he pulled his wrist from Jensen's grasp and without a word started marching in the direction of the van where Clay and Pooch was waiting two blocks away.

"Hey! Wait!" Jensen hissed under his breath, hurrying after Cougar. "Slow down!"

Jensen honestly hadn't thought that Cougar would but his pace actually did slow a little, to the point that Jensen had an easy time catching up.

"Hey, talk to me." He wanted to reach out but was a little afraid of having Cougar pull away from him. Jensen didn't want to experience what that would feel like, not in a million years.

Cougar kept his face angled, hat pulled low over his face, but Jensen could still see how he clenched his jaw, definitely angry.

"She flirted with you."

Well, yeah, difficult to deny that in a way. Jensen still wasn't entirely sure why that was so bad.

"I'd rather call it 'at' me since 'with' sort of implies that I had to be involved somehow and I really, truly wasn't. You know that, Cougs. I wouldn't-... I mean, I barely even know _how_ -"

" _Lo sé_." Cougar still sounded angry.

Jensen swallowed, keeping up even if he would much rather stop and have this conversation, so that he might at least get to look Cougar in the eye while he talked to him. Cougar didn't seem like he would appreciate that though.

"Alright, good. That's-... good." Jensen's heart was beginning to beat faster in his chest, something terrifyingly close to fear and guilt beginning to build in his gut. "I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, I didn't mean-"

Jensen almost tripped over his own feet when Cougar suddenly stopped, turning towards him with a complicated expression on his face. Even if Jensen might not be able to interpret it there was no denying the intensity in his eyes.

"Jake, no. Not-" Cougar paused, as if to gather his words. They were so few that every single one mattered so much more. "You did nothing wrong."

"Then why are you mad?" Jensen asked, not able to keep the tentative, confused tone out of his voice. He didn't want Cougar to be mad at him. Not over something like this.

"I shouldn't be." Cougar looked frustrated, his jaw working.

"I'm not sure if I follow. I didn't-"

"What the hell was that?"

Jensen flinched at Aisha's furious, angry hiss. He had been too focused on Cougar to hear or see her coming but judging on Cougar's lack of reaction he had. Cougar gave her a measured look, clearly not interested in including her in the conversation.

"Is everything okay?" Jensen asked, blatantly ignoring her question.

She pursed her lips, her back straight and head held high, and Jensen had to fight an urge to cower a little. She really was a sight to behold.

"I was able to leave without him suspecting anything, if that's what you mean? And it was no thanks to you," she replied icily.

Jensen couldn't exactly blame her. That had been extremely unprofessional and she had been left without anyone to cover her. Clay was probably going to throw a fit as soon as they reached the van and he could reprimand Jensen and Cougar for what had happened. Their behavior was unacceptable.

"I'm sorry," Jensen offered, making sure to make it sincere. He truly was sorry and Aisha seemed to realize that, some of her harshness melting away. "Hey, you can go ahead, okay? Tell Clay and Pooch that Cougar and I will catch up at the safe house."

Aisha raised an eyebrow.

"You still have your comms on, Jensen."

Oh. Right.

Jensen winced. That meant that everyone else had probably heard their entire conversation. Awesome.

Jensen quickly disconnected his earpiece before clearing his throat.

"You go ahead without us," he said to Aisha.

Cougar remained silent.

She seemed to hesitate – Jensen wasn't entirely sure why – but eventually offered a short nod before continuing to walk towards the waiting van without as much as a glance over her shoulder.

Jensen turned back to Cougar as soon as Aisha was out of earshot.

"Alright. What I was going to say was... urr... well, I honestly can't remember now." Jensen sighed, rubbing a hand over his face. His skin felt too tight for his body. "Okay. I'll start over." He held up his hands, as if asking for patience. "I honestly don't know what happened. Women usually don't flirt with me. I mean, I still don't get why you're together with me and we've been at it for months now."

Cougar took a deep breath. He seemed so distant. Jensen still didn't dare to touch him.

"But I'm sorry," Jensen continued, "for anything I might have done to make it worse."

Cougar shook his head.

"You did nothing wrong." He looked up, meeting Jensen's gaze, his own strangely full of guilt. "I should not be angry. I have no right."

Jensen still wasn't following, not entirely at least.

"But you are." It wasn't a question as much as it was a statement.

Cougar nodded, looking quite troubled. Jensen didn't like that one bit.

"Is there anything I can-"

"No," Cougar interrupted rather harshly before taking a step back. Distancing himself.

Jensen felt himself shrink back as if reprimanded. Cougar seemed to notice but it only made his frown deepen, making him take another step back.

"We will talk. Later."

That gave Jensen some hope, despite Cougar's closed off expression, and he managed a small smile.

"Okay." Jensen nodded eagerly. "So let's head back to the safe house and you'll let me know when you're up for it, okay? I can wait for as long as you need."

"No. Later, Jake," Cougar persisted while backing up another couple of steps, clearly showing that he intended to leave. Without Jensen.

"Oh." Jensen couldn't help how lost and abandoned he sounded in that moment. "Okay..."

He looked down at his feet, his fingers fiddling with the strap of his bag, and when he glanced up a couple of seconds later Cougar was already gone, disappearing into the shadows like never having been there in the first place.

Jensen felt a painful, panicked squeeze in his chest.

He forced himself to breathe around it. They would talk. Cougar had promised that and Cougar always kept his promises. Always.

But that didn't make Jensen feel any better. Not really.

He found himself just standing there for several minutes, trying to gather enough willpower to actually move. How could things have gone so wrong because of something so small? Jensen still wasn't sure exactly what had happened – why Cougar was so angry – but he wasn't stupid either. He recognized self-loathing when he saw it and Cougar had been full of it. But he had also seemed a little angry at Jensen and it was just so difficult trying to straighten it all out.

Eventually Jensen decided that he would probably never manage on his own, so he might as well head back to their hideout.

The thought had barely crossed his mind before he heard a sound behind him, frighteningly close considering that he was standing on a darkened, abandoned street. He tried to turn around but before he really managed to see what – _who_ – was behind him he felt something connect with his forehead, causing a burst of white light and searing pain.

Then everything went black.

  


The first thing popping into Jensen's head when he came to was that Cougar was going to feel so guilty about this. Not that Jensen would ever blame him, oh no, but _Cougar_ would blame himself.

Not that Jensen was entire sure what mess he had gotten himself into, but it went unsaid that when you found yourself practically blind, injured and cuffed to a chair you should probably start preparing yourself for some nasty things coming your way. There wasn't much else to do anyway.

Once every one of his limbs were accounted for Jensen started humming to himself, wiggling his toes and wondering how long he would have to wait before anyone figured out he was gone and then, against all odds, managed to find him. Perhaps he should have been freaking out considering that he was obviously kidnapped and could barely see further than his own nose, but Jensen had found that panic was the opposite of useful in these situations.

They had obviously taken his glasses and his bag – which meant that they had his technological gadgets but hopefully couldn't figure out what they were for or access the information on them – and he had no idea how long he had been out.

But he'd go with an hour or two, judging on the stiffness in his muscles.

His feet were untied, which proved that they were either idiots or didn't know exactly what he was trained to do. Okay, fine, not that he would be able to kick himself out of this mess while still attached to a metal chair but it did give him more ability to move than they should allow him if they were thinking clearly.

All in all his options were rather limited and he figured that waiting for rescue was a little too damsel in distress for him, even if assistance would undoubtedly have been nice. So it seemed like he would finally get to use the pin hidden in the wristband of his watch.

Or, well, he would have if his kidnappers hadn't chosen that moment to barge in and start shouting questions. Which was just rude. Jensen was honestly more interested in his own escape than being forthcoming.

That's not to say that he didn't speak, oh, he spoke alright, but definitely not in the way they wanted him to. Not even when the punches started coming.

Who was he working for?

No one, actually, which was the God's honest truth because he sure as hell didn't get paid for any of this and the health insurance was shit.

What had he been doing at that bar?

Getting flirted at, apparently. No, really, he had, which was really quite the little miracle considering his track record, but he'd try not to boast.

What were his weird looking electronics for?

Here Jensen gave them the most diluted, complex explanation imaginable of what essentially was a card reader. Okay, it was more delicate and complicated than that since it had to be portable and contain software to copy said card, but they didn't need to know that.

Judging on the increasingly hard punches they didn't appreciate his sense for detail.

Jensen tried to get a feel for the people performing the interrogation but they were surprisingly good at not revealing anything to him despite his best efforts, either because they were actually quite intelligent or because they were just brutes doing the grunt work without any real knowledge.

Jensen was willing to bet on the latter.

If he were to guess they had to be connected to Atlas Industries though, but that could be his paranoia talking. Not many people had a reason to kidnap and question him.

He wasn't _that_ cute.

Perhaps Aisha and Pooch had been spotted when they did their surveillance and someone at the company got nervous and wanted to find out who they were and what they knew? Maybe they already did know and were just entertaining themselves until they could hand him over to Max or whoever had authorized the little get-together?

Either way Jensen wasn't all that enthusiastic about having been invited to this particular party.

The questioning was all rather primitive if Jensen was to be honest but at least they let his hands be. That was always his biggest concern when in these situations. He could take the blows to his face and ribs – they had even been kind enough to remove his glasses before getting started so there was a minimum of broken glass dangerously close to his eyes – but if they started breaking fingers he would definitely get nervous.

Luckily enough for him it didn't come to that. They didn't return his glasses either but that would have been stupid of them unless they wanted him to recognize them by more than just their voices and general build.

He could admit that he felt thoroughly tenderized when they took a step back to survey they work. His ribs ached, blood was trickling from more than just his head wound and he _still_ had that bothersome nose-itch.

Their parting gift, when they tired of interrogating him and only getting smartass replies in return, was brutal enough to snap his head back and make everything return to that quiet, bottomless darkness he was getting intimately acquainted with.

  


When Jensen came to for the second time it was to the sound of gunfire and panicked yells so it was safe to assume the cavalry had arrived.

Jensen yawned, rolling his shoulders to soften up his muscles and calmly waited for someone to find him. He figured it would take longer for him to unfasten his pin and start picking the lock of his cuffs than it would for help to arrive.

And he was, admittedly, still a little dizzy, to the extent that he'd probably fumble and drop the pin.

It took about two minutes before the door opened – behind him, frustratingly enough, so he had no way to judge if it was a friendly or not – but that became increasingly obvious when he felt a hand on his shoulder and a blurry shape came within view, practically sliding onto its knees in front of him.

"Jake!"

"Oh! Hi, Cougar!" Jensen grinned, which obviously was a very bad idea because his lip hurt something terrible when he did that, but he couldn't help it. Cougar was reaching out, towards Jensen's face, but Jensen just kept talking. "I can't see much right now but I'm still _very_ happy to see you. I was going to rescue myself but you sort of beat me to it and-" Cougar's thumb brushed close to the cut on Jensen's forehead "- _ow_! Okay, that hurts. Don't touch that, Cougs."

" _Lo siento_."

Jensen shrugged.

"No biggie. But I think I might have a slight concussion now that we're on the subject." He barely took enough time to suck in a breath while Cougar's hands kept wandering, but not in a sexy fashion. He was checking for injuries, no doubt. "Hey, have you seen my glasses? I'm getting really tired of-"

"There you are," another voice called out behind them. Jensen grinned and tried to look over his shoulder even if he wouldn't be able to see much. He got the distinct feeling that he might not actually be the 'you' being referred to though.

"Hi, Pooch!"

"Hello to you too, Jensen. And yeah, I've got your glasses and the keys to the cuffs. Unlike _someone_ I took the time to search through people's pockets." Huh. That sounded awfully pointed but Jensen was pretty sure he wasn't the target. He got distracted from that train of thought when the vaguely Pooch-shaped figure walked closer, handing over the glasses to Cougar while crouching down to unlock Jensen's cuffs. "Clay and Aisha are fetching your bag and taking care of the stragglers."

Jensen blinked when Cougar finally slipped the glasses onto his nose, his wrist coming free almost at the same time. As soon as he was able to focus he couldn't help frowning.

"Hey, you okay?" Jensen reached out, grabbing Cougar's hands. They were stained with blood. "Are you hurt?"

Cougar shook his head, his expression carefully blank and he rose to his feet, pulling gently on Jensen's hands to make him come too. It took some effort but Jensen managed, wincing at the slight ache in his ribs.

"No worries, just a little sore," he reassured Cougar when he saw the flash of worry across his face. Cougar nodded slowly but kept a stabilizing grip on Jensen's elbow. It was unusually difficult to read his expression but Jensen was willing to blame that on his own scrambled mental state.

As long as Cougar wasn't hurt. The blood on his hands was mildly disturbing but if Cougar said that he was fine Jensen might just have to accept that, since he was in no shape to start being difficult.

He was grateful for Cougar's support when he walked towards the doorway, grinning at Pooch despite the sting in his lip. Pooch only shook his head in amusement, even if he kept shooting Cougar worried glances. Jensen chose to ignore that. He was beginning to understand what might be wrong but he knew that now was not the time to discuss that. Getting out of there took priority.

"Thanks for coming to get me." Jensen felt that it needed to be said even if it was pretty obviously that he was grateful that they hadn't left him to rot in what turned out to be a filthy basement now that Jensen could actually see as well.

Pooch smiled, shifting the gun in his hands so that he could slap Jensen on the back, perhaps a tad bit more roughly than strictly necessary.

"Anytime, Jensen."

  


Jensen didn't struggle or complain when Cougar dragged him to the bathroom as soon as they arrived at the safe house. He figured that Cougar wanted to take stock of Jensen's injuries as quickly as possible; preferably in private.

There was a kind of tightness around Cougar's mouth and a stiffness in his movements that left no doubt about who he blamed for the whole ordeal.

Which was just preposterous.

Jensen still waited until after Cougar was finished cleaning away the blood – both from his own hands and Jensen's face – before he spoke up.

"It's not your fault."

Cougar froze, keeping his gaze fixed on what he was doing. Jensen didn't try to catch his eyes, knowing that Cougar would look at him when he was ready. At least he had removed his hat for the occasion, which left his face relatively easy to read.

Jensen forcibly kept his legs from jumping up and down as he sat on the closed toilet lid, Cougar on his knees in front of him. His muscles ached but more than anything he wanted to wipe that troubled look from Cougar's face.

"I know what you're thinking," Jensen continued, keeping his voice light, a slight smile on his lips. "And you're wrong. It's not your fault."

A sight pause.

"I should have been there," Cougar gritted out, resuming his inspection of Jensen's head injury. He still wasn't meeting Jensen's eyes.

"And I should have been more attentive. I shouldn't have told Aisha and the others to go ahead. And I _definitely_ shouldn't have disconnected my earpiece. That only made it more difficult to find me, right?" Jensen stared at a spot on the opposite wall. "But you're not wrong I guess. There's a lot both of us should have done differently, but that doesn't mean that it's either of our faults, you know."

Cougar didn't answer, which wasn't much of a surprise. Jensen took a deep breath.

"You were never mad at me, were you?"

That caught Cougar's attention enough to make him look Jensen in the eyes, finally. Jensen smiled faintly, his fingers brushing against Cougar's side.

"You were mad at yourself, right? And needed some time to calm down, because you hated the fact that you were mad in the first place."

It was Cougar's time to take a deep breath.

" _Sí_."

Jensen smiled, leaning a little closer.

"I'd say you handled that rather nicely. I know you, Cougs, and I know that you'd never treat me unfairly because you're just too good of a guy for that. You were jealous, yes, but you tried not to take it out on me." Jensen dared to move even closer, and would probably have rested his forehead against Cougar's if it wasn't for his injury. "Most people wouldn't. They would go right ahead and get pissed even if I didn't do anything and probably try to reassert their dominance or something equally cavemanish. But you didn't and that's pretty fucking amazing of you."

Cougar scoffed, making Jensen grin.

"Yeah, I'm your biggest fanboy and you know it." Jensen's expression turned serious a second later because he knew that this was not something to joke about. "And no matter what you felt that you did wrong there at the bar – I forgive you. But don't think it's your fault that I was distracted enough to get kidnapped. That's not on you."

Cougar seemed to want to object but Jensen cut him off with a quick, chaste kiss, his fingers clenching around the fabric of Cougar's shirt.

" _Te amo_ ," he whispered softly against Cougar's lips.

Jensen could feel Cougar's shoulders slump when he finally allowed himself to relax. Jensen might be bruised, aching and possibly still bleeding but he was clearly still feeling a lot better about this whole thing than Cougar did. So he let his hands wander into Cougar's hair, his fingers slipping through the dark tresses.

"Never doubt that, Cougar. I love you."

" _Yo también te amo_."

Jensen smiled, pulling Cougar close and wrapping his arms around his shoulders.

"I know. And it's okay. I'm okay. I can take worse beatings than this, you know that." Jensen didn't object when Cougar's arms slipped around his waist in turn. The hug was tentative, mostly because Jensen's ribs were a little sore, but there was no mistaking the slight desperation to it. "I'm still here. I'm not going anywhere. You haven't lost me," Jensen whispered, not surprised to feel Cougar hide his face against Jensen's neck.

Cougar didn't say anything, as was often the case, but he didn't have to. Jensen just held on, continuing to whisper soft reassurances in Cougar's ear.

They would be fine.

  


Compared to Jensen's kidnapping adventure it was almost anticlimactic to calmly stroll into the designated building, find Brandt's apartment and hack into Atlas Industries' mainframe through his home computer.

Jensen was admittedly still sore and he had been careful to avoid security guards and other tenants considering the butterfly bandage on his forehead and the bruises still mottling his skin, but besides that it was a walk in the park. Clay and Aisha were tailing Brandt to make sure that he didn't decide to return home all of a sudden, Pooch was waiting with the getaway vehicle while Cougar was keeping an eye on things from a nearby building, but really, they didn't need to worry.

It didn't take more than fifteen minutes before Jensen was done and made his way down the stairwell while whistling out of tune to himself with a memory stick full of sensitive information in his pocket. There were no complications and no shots fired. Jensen was actually quite thankful for that since he was in no shape to outrun bullets.

He made sure to slide into the backseat rather than the front when he made it out to Pooch and the waiting car, despite his habit of usually claiming shotgun. Pooch shot him a confused look until they stopped to pick up Cougar, who wasn't even subtle about moving well into Jensen's personal space when he climbed in back to sit next to him.

Cougar had been rather unwilling to let Jensen out of his sight the past couple of hours. Jensen allowed it for now since he knew that it would pass on its own in a couple of days, after Cougar had managed to reassure himself that Jensen was still there and could take care of himself.

The PDA earned them an eye-roll from Pooch but Jensen didn't care, grinning as he caught Cougar's hand and laced their fingers together. They didn't usually hold hands but Cougar was still a little shaken from the events the night before, even if he of course didn't show it. But Jensen knew. He always knew.

Cougar gave his hand a reassuring squeeze but didn't say anything. Of course he didn't. Jensen was still grinning widely, rolling the memory stick in his other palm. He took a slow breath, knowing that what he was going to say next was monumental – to them and their future.

"I think we've got him, guys."

Pooch glanced at him in the rearview mirror and Cougar pushed his hat back, leveling Jensen with an inquiring look. Jensen's exhale was more of a sigh than anything else.

"The things I found on there – in Atlas' mainframe..." Jensen met Pooch's gaze, then Cougar's, feeling the magnitude of the situation settle on his shoulders. "I think I can track Max with it."

This could be it.

A silence lingered in the car – loaded and heavy – until Pooch chuckled. He sounded tired, so incredibly tired, but there was a hint of relief to it too.

"That's the best news I've heard in months, J," Pooch said with another chuckle, rubbing his hand down his head and face. "I'm not sure how much longer I can do this, man."

It was the closest either of them had come to admitting that they were nearing their limit. Jensen felt Cougar's hand twitch and gave it a quick, calming squeeze. Cougar didn't have to say anything. Jensen knew he felt the same as Pooch, probably even more so after yesterday's events. The thought of losing Jensen to the cause would push Cougar closer to deserting than anything else would.

The feeling was mutual.

"I'll go over the details when we're all back at the safe house," Jensen promised, nodding firmly in Pooch's direction. A part of him was worried that he was promising things he might not be able to keep but he knew they could use what he had found. He just knew it. They were getting closer.

Cougar was unnaturally still next to Jensen, even for him.

So Jensen leaned closer, nuzzling the spot right under Cougar's ear, until Pooch scoffed and focused back on his driving.

"Let's give it one more try. And if the information I've found doesn't pan out then we'll talk about retirement," Jensen murmured against Cougar's skin, knowing that Pooch wouldn't pick up on it. "Deal?"

Cougar seemed to stiffen, obviously not aware of how transparent he sometimes was to Jensen. It only took a couple of seconds before he relaxed though, raising their entwined hands to his lips to kiss Jensen's knuckles.

"Deal."

Jensen settled more comfortably against Cougar's side, smiling softly to himself.

Yeah, they would be fine.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, I know. This probably wasn't what you expected when you thought that you'd get jealous!Cougar, since it's quite far from how he's usually portrayed. But that's the thing with me - I go for what feels right for the characters and setting and this is that. In the world that I've built this is the way he would react. Hopefully you'll agree :)
> 
> I really missed these boys!
> 
> [CarpeDentum](http://archiveofourown.org/users/CarpeDentum) beta'ed as usual - with lightening speed, I might add - and you can find me over at my [Tumblr](http://amethystinawrites.tumblr.com/)!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [(podfic) Don't Tell Cougar](https://archiveofourown.org/works/4009657) by [secondalto](https://archiveofourown.org/users/secondalto/pseuds/secondalto)




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